Father's Suicide

My father committed suicide 20 months ago. We believe he had bladder cancer and failed to get a diagnosis or treatment. During the same time my husband was going through treatment for lung cancer, which is in remission for the past year. I also had two surgeries during the same time frame and finally, lost my job. I have since found a better paying job and love it but I am still battling bouts of grief and guilt. Although my family is in another country, I feel as if I could've helped my father if he had revealed his illness and that he kept it from us because of everything else we were going through. For most of my life I have fought feelings of rejection from my family and have always tried to gain their approval/love. I'm the fourth child, the youngest daughter, and felt unloved and overlooked for most of my youth. I also had a severe lazy eye problem and dealt with ridicule from my peers and rejection from my mother. She was an extremely beautiful person outwardly but had her own problems and was not a nice person on the inside. She blamed us for the outcome of her unsatisfied life. She often stated that she wished we had died or were never born and hoped we would all die. My father was mostly unavailable as he was constantly working to support us all. I realize that most of my problem is a lack of confidence and feelings of inferiority but also the feeling that, since my father's death, I will never have the opportunity to show him how much I really cared and that I would've helped him through his troubles. I mentioned to my physician that I would like to speak with a therapist/psychiatrist but he only wanted to give me medication. I feel that medication would only mask the problems, rather than solve them. Family members tell me I need to let things go and that my father made his own choice and that I need to respect it. I just feel that his suicide was cowardly and selfish and feel guilty for thinking it. Please give me some advise. I am sure I should be overcoming by now but seem to be unable to get a grip on my feelings. Although I acknowledge that I'm probably depressed it does not interfere with my work. I have withdrawn from others but am still very close with my husband and children, who have been an immeasurable support. Please help

Being a middle child, I can really empathize with your feelings of lack of attention while growing up. Occasionally I feel sorry for myself because of what my parents had put me through, no child deserves to go through the torment of feeling unwanted.

But the easiest way to cope with it is by trying to understand that parents are just people like you and me. They are people with problems that we all have to face ever so often. Believe it or not, parents try their very best to raise their kids even if we feel they were terrible at it.

I'm really sorry to read about your father's decision to take his own life. Anyone who takes their own life were trapped in a never-ending cycle of emotional suffocation. I don't think he meant to be selfish at all, his problems just took a lot of his attention.

Please find peace with his decision and forgive him. He was the victim here, and you were simply an incidental casualty. I'm sure that you are a wonderful person because you've learned a lot from your parents' questionable choices in life.

I really do hope you feel better, every dark cloud has a silver lining.