Finally need to speak out

hello every body....the only intention to this one is...that i feel its high time i should express myself...say something..to someone...
i have been a very intense person, always clear with what i want to do in life., whether it be career or whatever..
and now... its totally the opposite..
i have these peaks of "I know what i wanna do in my career life" .. and trust me...i think till the PEAKS...n in a month or two....there is something else in my mind., and now.., I just dont care where i end up.
Cause i know.. nothing NOTHING can take me to what i deeply want. I have suppressed it so much that forget expressing to others., i dont even say it to myself.., what i want...doesnt really matter anymore.
I have become this extremely caring and sensitive junk of a human. I build relations with people.. and they go good. but every minute i keep repeating to myself., sweetheart.., you can lose it any damn moment. and i am ready for it. Giving my best and may be more than that and preparing myself to get a hit. That leaves me so....ruptured.
And i dont know where to head with this piece of mind. My life ... is all about being there for my parents, and these people who matter to me a lot.., my dearest few friends. Thats what my life revolves around. I am afraid to sleep at night cause..I am worried. What if any of them needs me at the oddest hours. I dont want to be unavailable to them. I dont care where i go.., i pray for them and work for them every moment i breathe. And i mean it.

There is no point to what all i am saying and there are no conclusions that i want to draw. Its been years now.., and i can see myself falling. I think of suicide., but cant. If not for myself., there is a lot of good i can do to others with my life. I am so scared to even say to myself what i want deep inside. I love you all. May you all be happy, loved, successful.
Ba bye.

Hi,
I am just new to this forum and have read your post.
I take from your post that you are feeling very sad at the moment. You seemed to have lost hope....do you need a caring friend to talk to?

There is hope. Do you know in my life, if people are not there for me. I know that there is someone else there all the time. If I call on Him, here is always there for me.

Do you believe in God? If not, I would be happy to talk about it.

Please know that I am only trying to share the joy that I have in my life. I am here for you if you want to talk to me.

This may sound strange..I'm sorry for that, but I just wanted to let you know that there is hope.
All the best, whether I hear from you or not. Take care