I am i n love with a married man

It sounds like you are doing all you can to get out of the situation. Believe me I completely understand how difficult that is. Our relationships with our MM are very similar, and both equally as painful to live with and without. It is good you are going to counseling, that will definitely help.

You say you now have a loving husband and are focusing on him, that your MM doesn’t love you. Continue focusing on your husband, realize the love and happiness you have and will have in the future with him. Your MM hasn’t left his wife for you, chances are he won’t, leaving him behind as a memory you can smile on seems best. Should you lose your husband for your MM chances are you’ll be shacked up as his little sex puppet which will only make him happy and destroy you in the long run.

You are doing all you can, you can’t help loving your MM and thinking of him 24/7, believe me I know, I too can not stop thinking of my MM. Recently I realize too that he doesn’t love me, he just wants the erotic sex we talk about and he too wants me shacked up in an apartment near him, he talks about that all the time. I realize I would only wind up his sex puppet and am trying to avoid the temptation of being closer to him.

Focus on your marriage, hold on to that love tightly. My love for my MM, even though my husband doesn’t know about him, is one of the things destroying my marriage bit by bit and I can’t stop it. It of course isn’t the only thing destroying it, but it doesn’t help. Try and make your MM memories just that, memories and let him go. When you think about him, remember the happy times fondly but keep them at bay, bringing him closer again will only hurt you.

Be happy and best wishes!

CB

speaking of holidays, yes i am another woman deeply in love with a married man, that i have been seeing for over 2 years, we had worked together, I cannot face another holiday without him, he had givin me his word, we would be together this xmas, financials reasons are the problem here, he has even gone as far as going to an attorney, and now see's wow he has to come up with big bucks, in my heart, i know he loves me, and wants us together, but none the less this is so painful, when i hear him cry when i tell him, i am done, i get angry, maybe i am different, i will do anything for him, i did leave my home let me ad, i wasnt married, but with my fiance for 7 yrs, who was a cheater himself, nice huh? but i left, and basically have become homeless, living with different family members, i couldnt stay with my ex, and see my MM,i cannot do that.
but here i am suffering, angry, hurt, etc you nam it, i am feeling it...

this is the situation that we as other women put ourselves in, they will never be all "ours". If they have been married for 10, 15, 20 or more years the wife, children will ALWAYS be part of their lives, always. They have lied to their wivers and we are also being lied to. I feel we should all stand up and give them the boot in the ass and turn our back on them. Who knows how much they truly have cheaten on us and their former spouse, we wll always be lied to and come in second best if that. I know i deserve more it hurts and i have made to choice to put myself first, i am going to ask my mm to leave, we share a home now but i know he still sees his ex, he's lied to my face about, i've come to the conclusion that that they chronic liars and become so entangled in their lies that they can't even keep them straight, they want their cake and eat too.

Hello CB,
If you look back at some of the previous posts, you'll see that I once suffered through what you are going through. STN, Samantha, and myself were in it deep together and we tried to keep each other encouraged. After a 1.5 years of hurt and pain, I made a decision that no matter how much I loved this man, I was going to love myself more. It's just that simple. It hurts like hell, but it hurts more to be in that constant limbo. The MM is never going to give you what you need. And if you're "lucky" and he leaves his wife, what are you really getting? So how do you stop loving him? Or not loving him as much? Just start loving yourself more. The rest will follow. Good luck!!

Oh and to add to my story...They've only been married 5 years, which scares me that he was out and cheating so fast. I guess I'm scared to trust him, and I can't believe I got myself into this mess. When I'm with him, he's sweet and loving and kind. We enjoy a lot of things together...going to the beach, concerts, eating out, wine tasting parties. He's a lot like me and has been very successful in his career, so I know he's worried about finances, with this divorce. And so when I'm with him I feel I can trust him. But then when we're apart, I am plagued by doubts. And I worry he's going to change his mind about the divorce...and before you ask, I know that it's really filed - those petitions are public record, I went online for my state (CA) and saw that she filed for divorce in mid-October. I think he's just mostly concerned about having to pay child support and alimony for her and his two boys - he doesn't mind the child support, but he doesn't want to be plagued by maintenance issues as well... sigh. It's so complicated. I wish I'd walked away before I fell so hard for this man...

this was so wrong.

Thank you Danielle for your advise and good wishes. I'm trying to love myself but the desperation to talk to him and be with him always takes over. I'm trying, trying to work him out of my heart. Being so far away from him you would think that would make it easier but it doesn't, when I don't hear from him I worry what has happened, is he hurt, is he mad at me, has he decided he's so in love with her he's just cut me off, will he ever call again. These thoughts continue to haunt me and thoughts of him consume my thoughts so badly that I find myself in conversation with someone and realize I have no idea what they just said.

I'm lost, sad, alone, confused and hurting. I just want to make it stop. I love him so desperately and at the same time don't want to. This all just hurts so much.

STN,
Girl..... your words, spirit, and progress have truly moved me today. I am so happy that you have found your "place" in the midst of the chaos we found ourselves in. It is still a challenge everyday for me (cause lord knows i loved the fool), but I am so proud when I look at how far we have come.

XOXO
daniellejordan

Hi guys,
I'm facing the same prob as all of u out there...in love with a married man and it sucks..those secret short dates-i even attended his wedding! U guys actually said all the things i've done, felt..i wish i had someone for support...i know its my fault for falling in love with such a man..but..i really cant step out of it..its been nearly 2 yrs..

Hello STN and Danielle,
I wanted you to know that I took all your wonderful words to heart. I also want you to know I sang in the car on the way home yesterday. The last few weeks I've cried all the way home, wrapped up in the pain and sorrow of the situation with my MM. So sad with thoughts of things he's done and said lately, longing for it to be the way it was during spring and summer. Yesterday was different, I felt awakened to see the situation in a different light, to see him in a different light. I have a feeling right now he is going through a very tough time if it is in fact true that his wife left him, and dealing with me and our feelings through that is too much for him, which is likely why he hasn't called except to ask me if I've called or mailed him anything. Realizing how hurt and upset he must be over the loss of his wife has also made me realize he has no love for me at all and all the love he is capable of for her. At least I do know he doesn’t have love for me in a sincere romantic way, he wants me, he wants to f**k me, he doesn’t want to make love to me, I truly don’t think he ever did. I’m glad to know that his wife’s leaving also had nothing to do with me, she didn’t know we were talking and ultimately that is all it was, talking.

I do love him, I know I always will. Why, I don’t know, I guess hearing him say over the past many years of how he loves me keeps me loving him. I’m sorry if he’s hurting now, I wish I could help him, as a friend, find happiness. That isn’t possible. Our physical desire for eachother will always get in the way of any love or friendship we could ever have. I’m going to focus on making things right where I am now and move on. I’m grateful that I didn’t become physical with my MM again, I guess it’s true, there is a reason for everything.

I’ll let you know how things move on and if I’m able to stay on this new path without my MM. I’m sure he’ll call me again some time when he comes out of this mess he’s in (with our without his wife) and that will be the great test for me. If I hear his voice will I fall into his web again? I do hope I’m strong enough to stay out of it, and I actually hope now he works things out with his wife, he obviously loves her.

Thank you STN, and you too Danielle. Your words of wisdom are definitely something that has helped me to respect myself and try to move on. I’ll keep you both in my prayers for happy times. We’ll all keep in touch.

Corinne

First of all it isn't YOUR fault for falling in love with him. You were in need of something he seemed to be offering. We have NO control of who our heart falls in love with. Sometimes it is right, and sometimes it is wrong but either way, it happens. I had a physical relationship with my MM for 2 years before he moved away and we've kept it going just over the phone now for almost 18 years. I love him, with every part of my being, but that love hurts usually all the time. If your MM hasn't left his wife by now for you, it is unlikely he will, even if he says so. Remember he is likely telling her she's his one and only as well. Try and do as STN and Danielle have told me, learn to love yourself, realize you deserve better. It is hard and hurts like hell to let go of someone you love. It will take time, belive me I know, I'm working on it myself. Read some of STN's recent entries, they are very helpful in helping you reflect on the situation.

What's best for you sound like getting away from the MM. You love him, you always will, but he will take you no where but to a painful place you don't want to be.

Best wishes to you. Keep us posted on how you are doing. The women on this site are good people and we all seem to be able to understand eachother with compassion and without judgement. We are all in it together and can perhaps get out of it together.

CB

Hi 81pyldj262...

I have posted a couple of times but no advice to me has been given I just read all the posts, which lately the majority of them are stories of leaving the MM.

I am still with my MM, we just hit a year and I am happy, things seem to be falling into place, I am hear to lend an ear if you wish, tell me about your story.....

Hi STN,
I'm having a particularly sad moment so I thought I'd take a moment to write. It is mid afternoon here and the 3 "usual" times my MM would call have all passed without so much as a ring. I can't help but wonder where he is, what is he doing. Is he hurting, begging her to come back, making love with her, forgotten about me? 4 days ago he called me 11 times, 11. Now I only heard from him that one time to see if I called his job, in 4 days. I don't understand why he doesn't call when he knows how I care and how I worry about him. Then again, showing how he doesn't care about me, he wouldn't call if he was trying to work it out with her. Why am I so blind, why did I let myself believe all he said, the beautiful things he said he felt about me and wanted to share with me. Why are those very things hurting me so badly now. Why does he so obviously not give a shit about me, what I'm feeling and what he does to me. It's so unfair, I was in his life long before her, hell she was just a kid when he and I first got together, why is she who gets to push me out of his heart. That is selfish of me isn't it, he did ask me to marry him years ago, just before her, but I couldn't at the time. Maybe I can feel better knowing at the time she was his second choice, but she wins now.

I'm just so sad and confused, I understand so little and know nothing of what is going on. I didn't even get a chance to say good bye, although I don't know if that would have been easier or not. Good bye's are so painful. Maybe it is good that the last real conversation we had he said "love you, good night" rather than I'm over you, I'm in love with her, good bye. I don't know. I'm sorry, I'm just feeling lost at the moment, I so desperately want the phone to ring and hear his sweet voice.

Corinne

Hi again ladies,

It's a new day here and I'm feeling a little panicky, so I thought I'd write. Sometimes I lose my perspective and get really nervous about all kinds of things related to my MM. I guess I'm okay at the moment, but I'm trying to fight off that feeling by writing here. I'm probably just going to ramble, so please don't feel like you have to read it (I write too much as it is:)! So my latest plan is to plan a trip to the Himalayas for next October. I've always wanted to go there, to the 'roof of the world' and go hiking (I'm actually afraid of heights, so I'll be taking the light and easy trails, but whatever). I feel like if I can get through this emotional disaster I've been going through, I should go and stand on top of the world, looking down on snow-capped mountains, forests and glaciers, like someone who won a gigantic battle. Just the idea of fresh air and clean water is appealing by itself. There was actually a time this past summer when even seeing wind blowing through the leaves of a tree hurt me and made me cry; I think during that time I wanted all the beautiful things in the world out of my life - I couldn't even pet a cat or dog, I just turned away from everything, food, sleep, water...everything. I'm not sure what was making me do that, but I'm glad that I'm interested in my life's goals again, going to the Himalayas is defintely one of them.
To be honest Corinne, I think your separation is going to be something that takes a mountain of energy and willpower to deal with. I've loved my MM for many years, but never like I have in the past year - we were never intimate before this past year and just getting over a year-long attachment is taking everything I've got. I just don't know how things will go for you after 18 years and a child. I'll be here for you in any way I can.
xoxo, STN

Hi Allison, Ive read your recent posts and Im glad everything is going great for you! Ive talked to you before and I think our stories are very similar...can you do me a favor and email me at Paradiselvr8887@yahoo.com I would like to chat further with you!

Hi all,
I am 81plydJ, some annoymous name given by e forum. anyway, I will log in as Jgirl now.
I am really glad that u all responded to me and very touched by the way u gals support one another... I always thought no one understands and I have no one to talk to cos this is nothing to be proud of and at times I am simply ashamed at myself for falling for a 2 timer.

My MM jus got married last mth. I met him 2 yrs back when he was engaged and many times he wanted to stop contacting me but did not eventually. He loves me, but he can readily give me up for his wife. I know it, cos he often mention :" In future if we can't meet up or..." He'd nv leave her for me and he made it very clear frm the beginning of the relationship.
I'm young, attractive and have got many suitors but I cant seem to bring myself to go out on dates with those guys. even if i do go out, my heart is with him and at times i really feel that i'd rather be alone than be with someone else i have no feelings for. I know u all must be nodding ur head and agreeing with me. Thats the trap we are in, and i really wanna get out of it.

Do u ladies ever wonder...perhaps if we really had a chance to live with the MM in our lives, we might realise in time to come that they are not the one we thought we wanted? Cos our relationship with them are so flowery without commitments and very less fights, therefore the times spent are full of joy and sexual pleasure without worrying abt kids, money, job...

Jus to share a short story with u guys..I have an aunt i live with, she's 67 and she had been with her MM for over 40 years! He comes over once in awhile, only to have lunch or sex and thats all. He comes over when he feels like it and i see him text my aunt:"IM BUSY TODAY" "NO TIME" on her cell.

I often question myself: Do i wanna be like her when i'm her age? Alone everyday during retirement, no one to share her woes with, and having to give in to an old man's sexual desires even after menopause?!
She wasted her youth on him and I am sure, she regrets. If she could turn back time, I'm sure she'd grit her teeth and move on and meet some other guys and have a companion she loves who loves her in return now.

I seriously do not want to wait till im old and all my frens are married and no one wants me... and before i know it i have given up all my opportunities for a guy who might jus say:"hey, this isnt getting us anywhere..its hard but we got to move on".

It sure is hard..and I really admire U brave gals who even initiated to stop meeting up with ur MM. U gals are so brave. I cant do it... He seem to be the reason i live, the reason i work, the reason i drive, the reason I am me. THe one in control of my life is him, and i seriously hate that feeling.

For u gals who have started to move on, congrates and dont look back!! Keep moving on..u'd get there. The hardest is to take the 1st step out, which I can't seem to do.................

Hello again STN
It is afternoon here now, the time where about 4 usual call times have passed and, as much as I'd love to tell you my MM called, he hasn't. I can almost hear some of the judgmental people I've seen on this site saying get over yourself he isn't going to call. Yes I know I'm the other woman, yes I know he has a wife who he is probably trying desperately to get back to now that she has made herself the one turning away (just like you said he might do to me). That doesn't make it any easier. I have to admit I tried to call him from what I know was an unidentifiable number, but no one answered. I can't help but wonder was he there and just didn't answer because he knew it was me or is he truly out. It is at a time of day he'd be home alone so it is one or the other, he's ignoring me or...well....he's ignoring me. There is so much history between us, so many years and emotions shared and felt, even our child. I just don't understand why he is just cutting me off like this, complete and total shut out. I feel like I'm spinning out of control, my heart breaks more and more with each passing moment. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breath, like I’m suffocating and wind up in a ball on my knees. I love him, I love him so much and I can’t believe he is done with me so quickly and abruptly. We shared feelings, love, mailed eachother notes and things, we talked about the future and the past, memories and beautiful dreams. When we hung up on Sunday he said “I love you, good night” and that was it. How the hell did I go from that to being the outsider. He was so afraid of some pictures he’d sent to me that once I saw them I’d say good bye. That was as recently as a week ago, he was so afraid I would no longer be interested. I told him I loved him and nothing would change that and after I saw them I still loved him, I told him even more then before. What the hell is happening? I’m so lost, the pain is just too much. Why does he not care I was there Monday when he wanted me to be and we didn’t catch up with eachother, how could he not care that we have a child together, how and why is he doing this.

Hello again STN,
I noticed that my first post today didn’t seem to make it on the page. I can’t remember all I said on there but I agreed with you that a trip to the Himalayas sounds like a beautiful idea, it would be very therapeutic for you. I’m so happy that you are able to realize your MM loves you and that the two of you have just come to an understanding that your hearts will always be one but you lives can never be together. That is a painful definition for you I know, but knowing you love him, and he loves you just as much will hopefully bring you some comfort and peace.

I find great peace visiting the ocean. I love everything about the shoreline and find it so serine and tranquil. Unfortunately peace like that for me brings memories of my MM. You know we started talking this spring, and prior to that it had been about a year and a half that we had spoken. I always would think about him during that time, where he was, was he happy but somehow I always knew he still loved me. Now that our communications became so very frequent and our expressions of love became much more intense I’m crushed at the loss of it. I regret ever contacting him this past spring, I supposed I should have just let it alone even though he has repeatedly asked me why I waited so long to call. Now that I think he’s gone quiet time is unbearable. I can hear his voice so clearly in my head telling me he loves me, that he needs me, that he wants me. Beautiful words he said to me. I’m haunted by them.

I hope the planning of your trip continues, it sounds beautiful. You are on a wonderful path to happiness and peace, the memories of your MM will be beautiful and love will find you, be sure of that. I hope you enjoy your weekend.

Corinne

Hi JGirl,

I just wanted to write a quick note to say that yes, I think you're right, we probably would see the down-sides to our MM if we were actually married to them...but somehow I'd rather be with my MM with all of his faults than alone or with someone I love less. And that's the trick for me and it sounds like you too - that is to find someone you love as much as you love your MM. I can't do it. I finally just told myself, after months of agony, that it will be healthier for me to be alone for the rest of my life than it would be for me to keep wanting a life with him. But that decision is so painful, especially in the beginning, that it's almost impossible to make it straight out. Pulling away little by little worked better for me because I just wasn't able to find the strength to do it any faster. The problem is that I live where my MM works, so I just can't escape him long enough to make a clean break.
I think you're thinking along the right lines: you definitely don't want to end up like your aunt, that situation sounds so sad. I don't know what it is with these men who treat us all like spare tires or side-dishes. Do we all have signs on our foreheads that say 'Please mistreat me'???! I don't get why they think it's okay to give us so little and expect so much and I don't get why we're willing to do it - but God help us, we are. How do other women get men to treat them better? I think I missed the boat, I just don't get it. I don't meet men I like and finally, when I did fall in love, it was with someone who had nothing to offer me other than occasional affection and lots of adoration...and lots of pain and suffering.
Don't be too hard on yourself if you can't make that first step away from your MM right now. It's a good sign that your mind is willing and hopefully your emotions will learn to follow your head, little by little or even suddenly and all at once. It sounds like your at the very beginning of a horribly hard but healthier path.
By the way ladies, Corinne and Danielle, I just found out that I'll be on assignment back here in the Middle East next year...living in the same spot I'm in now after an 8 month stint in Italy. That means I'll be around my MM again for about 16 more months starting next July or August. This news would have made me so happy at one time, and now it makes me feel like I'm going to be thrown back in prison, the mental and emotional prison that I've been in for so long and have tried so hard to escape. I just can't believe it. In some ways I'm just hoping that the time I spend in Italy in between will help me make all the necessary adjustments so that when I come back, none of this will feel so hard. UGgh!!! Maybe I should just quit my damn job and get a new life all together.
Anyway, JGirl, take good care of yourself and we'll be here waiting to hear how you're doing.
xoxo, STN

I am sooo happy!!!

Hello STN and all,
Trust me i know exactly how u feel..in fact we all do know how one another feel n im so glad theres a place like this for all of us to come together..

Stn: I know that im thinking on e right track but like all of us here, our brains tell us something but our heart tells us another.
It seems like each time we and our MMS wana pull away..there are loads of other factors that keeps us together, don u all agree? I wonder why...well there might be lots of reasons.. Should we really surrender to this??cos it seems not matter how hard we try we jus tire ourselves out. And things jus go back to square one again.

Jus wondering if any of u know any women with MMs and the managed to leave their MM for someone else better,more worth it??
COs it seems that most Other women like jus, hardly move on ....

hello dear STN,

Was reading on lost out time... was having problems with my computer back home. well i am degected you did not miss me :-(... but good to hear you are doing better.
me i finally broke off day before yesterday. i go from quite to a raving manic. but i am going to get through this. Men are such weak creatures and selfish creatures. i have been home, sitting and crying, took off, wanted to sleep but could not. when the hurt comes its like a tide, you cry and cry, and then peace for a little while.
he calls, and says sorry, but does that really help... says he wants to help me with the pain... etc but what help is he 2000 miles away... so i told him not to call... it only reminds me of what i do not have, and makes me mad with grief.

i dont know if he will get more loving etc... as everyone on this site suggests, as you start drawing away, so i have no idea what i will feel then... there is a part of me that hates him, he was my best friend of 11 years, how could he do this to me? how could he do this if he was never going to tell his wife. he knows how much hurt i have been through in my life... i keep asking that to him, and myself... he says he just fell in love, and thought he will find the courage do the right thing, but he never did, and does not think he will... he says all the wonderful stuff, and i wonder what all does he tell his wife?

i totally understand when you say you cry on streets, me too, cant stop the tears sometimes... but it will get better, it will... it has to

to all the suffering women here, keep your faith it will get better, we need to learn to love ourselves more

take care

dali

Hello Jgirl,

You and I are in the same place in that we both know in our heads that we need to pull away from our MM and at the same time our hearts have a stronger hold on what we feel and do.

I can't offer great advise as STN does on how to accomplish pulling away and finding that greater place, it is a difficult process and one I'm in the middle of right now as you are. My relationship with my MM took a bad turn a couple of months ago and his sincerity has deminished to nothing but erotic sexual thoughts. It seems you've at least have made the first step and first realize that you will need to pull away, doing it is something entirely on its own and takes great time and patience. It hurts, don't get me wrong, it hurts like hell, but realizing we deserve better is our first step. I am trying but I'm so desperately in love with my MM that the idea of being without him seems paralyzing. Time will decide what destiny holds for us.

I'll keep you in my thoughts for peace and happiness. I look forward to continuing communicating with you.

Corinne

Jgirl and Corinne
Well STN knows my motto. Fuck em. I say it and i'm going to keep saying it. I cut my MM loose after 1.5 years and I've never been happier. I get angry Corinne when I hear how upset you are. He is not worth all this pain and agony; taking you through all these changes. Ask STN, I yelled at her all the time for letting her MM drive her emotions. Corinne, the next time he calls you, tell him to take a "one-way trip to hell." I guarantee he will start blowing your phone up calling you 20-30 times a day. I speak the truth..... STN is my witness. And yes, I keep it real. I'm not all warm and fuzzy like her (love you girl). But aren't you sick of this motherf*cker taking you through all this BS. Get angry about it, dammit. Ain't nobody goin give you better unless you demand better.

I gotta bring the quote out... Never make someone a priority in your life while allowing yourself to be their option.

Ladies, it's all love..... just a lil bit a tough love. Love ya'll

Hello Smarter Than This,
I have been meaning to respond to your postings. In a way, I guess I never responded because it seems as though you got it all together. Your MM is actually getting a divorce. The majority of us on this board would love to have accomplished that. Or at least I know I would have. So I really didn't know how to respond to your post. But on this board, we stick together...so if you need advice and the like, we need to be here for you as well. I understand the "trust" issue, but you have to let that go. You know how you met him, so just look for the warning signs and go from there. You were once the OW, so you know exactly what to look for. If you'd like to talk more about it further, just hit me back and I'll respond. Just so I know you're still around (before I post a long message) since no one initially responded to your post.

Hello Dali,
It is wonderful to see you back on the site, I've wondered what happened to you. I'm sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. You've given me inspiration and an understand heart, I hope I can do the same for you.

You are correct in we all need to love ourselves a little more, and move on. The pain of accepting we can not be with the one we love can at times be overwhelming, but with each day comes more acceptance and understanding. You MM loves you, move on with that, no argument, no hate, just the love you have and the understanding that it isn't your destiny. We are all learning destiny and fate are harsh sometimes and don't always hand us what we most desire. So as you've told me, love yourself, love your MM and remember all the good that your realtionship brought you trying not to focus on the what if's and if only's.

I'm traveling down the same path, my MM is 600 miles away, he's alone now (for the time being), angry and depressed and yet still unwilling to come get me (like I told you before). He said to me "come and get me, if you loved me you'd be here, talk is cheap". I'd love to hear him say "my life is open to you, I love you so much I'll wait for you, we'll spend the rest of our days together". No, I hear he's tired of the BS, he wants to F**K me (I've always preferred making love, f**k sounds so dime store hookerish). Anyway, he's hurting right now and in turn hurting me. STN has given me some great insite on how to follow the path to peace but it is a bumpy path and full of harsh reality. I don't know if my MM loves me but it sounds like your's loves you. Keep him and the happiness you shared with him in your heart, it will help you move on.

We'll communicate soon, take care of yourself and try to be happy.

CB (Corinne)

Dali!
I'm so glad you're back. To be honest, I thought that things were going so well for you that you just decided not to remind yourself of the painful times by writing here again. Anyway, I'm really sorry you've hit on difficult times with your MM. I've also been pretty angry about my MM's not being 'able' (or willing) to find a way to keep me. There's something inside me telling me, at this point, that I'm going to be glad I made the break, but I feel so betrayed that he hasn't done more to make things viable between us. It's a real let down, I'm so disappointed in him in this respect...even though I know there's not a lot he can do, I wish he at least gave the appearance of having tried absolutely everything...he hasn't really made me feel that way, I sense more that he's giving up and doing what's easiest for him. But like I said, there's no real way for things to work with us right now anyway - he's got 6 kids to send to university and he's married to his cousin. those are ties that bind for a lifetime. I'm not sure that he gets more 'loving' when I pull away, I meant to say that he gets more manipulative, he tries to get me dependent on him again when I start to back away...but this just means he starts doing everything he knows I want him to do. I guess I'm being hard on him tonight, but in many ways this is pretty much true. I think I'm just trying to say I get why you feel hurt and disappointed in your MM, I get it completely. This bad feeling of disappointment has actually helped me get over him that much faster (not easier, but it's definitely speeding up the process). now that I can see he will never move mountains to save our relationship, I just don't want to invest as much in it as before. Oh well. The good news is that things are finally getting better, the horrible aches I was feeling, dizziness, lack of appetite, etc etc are all gone. I'm hurt, really hurt, but I'm not suffering like before. I almost feel numb ... or just plain exhausted from it all. I know you'll find a better place for your heart in the future. I hope it comes quickly for you. xoxo, STN

Ladies Ive read your stories on here for a while now and I just want to tell you all to keep your heads up. I wish that I could go back to the moment when I first met him. It would of all been different. I dont really regret anything now but in my case like a very small percentage of women, I have him. I know your probably thinking that I cant relate to you all on here but I have been there for over a year. Everyday was agony, wondering if he was going to leave her and be with me. Knowing that after we were intimate he had to hurry up and go home. The torment that I put myself through killed me. I am a very visual person and having these constant daydreams of him being intimate with her killed me. Was I being selfish? These were questions I pondered everyday. Then there was the guilt episode. Am I a homewrecker? Did I destroy lives? But then I finally woke up and realized we dont cause a default in a marriage its THEM. There was a time when I was so stressed out over him I got very ill and lost alot of weight. I lost over 25 lbs and didnt have the motivation to do anything. He was constantly on my mind. Was this all worth it? I ask myself this question everyday. I know he loves me but theres a part of me that always wonders if he will go back to her. That's what Im going through right now, and I feel worse than I did before. I once thought it would be a cake walk after they were done. It's very difficult for a M.M to immediately start a relationship with the OW after leaving the ex. We talk alot about it, he says he's fine with it all but I can see it in his face. He's very confused and wants to be with me for the long haul, but the ex is trying to get back with him. How do we move on? Its not that simple at all ladies trust me. For example if they have children, she will constantly try to use that to her advantage. He will be weakened by it. It very upsetting when you see a grown man that has a very strong nature being affected by this extorsion. A part of me is in distress because of the betrayl that he once lived by when he was with her. Ladies, I catch him in (little white lies) constantly, he just gives me exuses that hes just trying to be amicable with his ex. Like I said I thought that "Stage 2" in all of this would be beautiful similiar to a romantic fairytale. BULLSHIT! But thats the fundamentals of life. We live, we learn and most of all we make mistakes. I am torn because I dont know what the future holds. I hope to talk to you all again and give you some insight with your issues and most of all, you have a friend on here that truly understands all of you! Take care and talk to you soon, Jamie

Hello Smarter than this,

I thinkk my situation may be similar to yours, but just a little further along. My MM did get divorced. We are still together. But I struggle all the time with guilt. I fell into being the other woman accidentally, probably like everyone on this forum. But I ended up being the "bad guy" in the entire community. His kids (older) hate me. His xw harasses me with phone calls, drive-bys, any number of rumors. It's funny...I have always been a very strong independent woman and I would have never pictured myself putting up with this, but I think a part of me feels as if this is my due. If anyone knows the answer to getting over the guilt, I sure would love to hear it!!!

And I really want to send a lot of love to every gal on this forum. Being the other woman is painful in its own right, and we are always villanized. But just remember, people can never truly understand unless they have been in the position themselves.

Just a brief venting moment, I'm not feeling as brave as I did this morning. Again, 3 of our "usual" calling times have passed and I've heard nothing from my MM. He seems not to have time to talk but had a moment to leave a nasty message this morning. Damn I wish I'd got to the phone in time, I may be feeling differently now. He's back to total control, I can't call home, can't call work, just can't call I can only wait for him, wait for a call that seemingly never comes until he's horny enough.

I just want to hide in a closet and cry at the moment. Why I don't know, because I want him to love me, to want me like before and I don't think he does, because I think he lied to me all along, because I think I mean nothing to him therefore I feel like nothing. I love him, I love him so much and I can't understand what makes me feel that way. I love who I thought he was, or maybe is and just isn't that way becuase he's upset right now.

This emotional rollarcoaster is killing me, I feel so sick. I am his puppet aren't I. How do I cut these strings and stop desperately wanting him to be the way he was this summer.

Jamie,
thank you for your note, it is nice to hear there is at least a stage 2. I did consider it would be difficult if I did/do end up with my MM how I would feel with the involvement of his first wife and their kids (now 1 adult and 1 teenager), and his feelings for his now (maybe) soon to be 2nd x wife. I've been a part of his life for a long time, since the first wife, but that doesn't mean I may be the next one he cheats on. The relationship started for me because I'd fallen in love with him almost at first site and have told him that, for him it was pure sexual desire but he claims he fell in love with me. You and your MM love eachother, you can build on that. Leaving his wife was a huge move for him, one that doesn't often happen for the OW. It sounds like you are both on the right path to a loving life together, working out the issues with the x will take time, but it sounds like you are the one he wants his life with, the one who is in his heart. I pray you continue on the loving path.

Corinne

He has 2 children with her that are 8 and 11. Do you all think that he'll definately go back since their young?

Hey Jamie,
You have to focus on the positive. He's with you. He actually left her, so that says a lot. As for the children, they play the biggest role in most marriages. People stay for the kids and that's the truth. I believe that she is going to use the kids to her advantage. But if he left for himself and not you, then you should be fine. Stage 2 is only just begun because she is going to fight tooth and nail to get him back, but you have to fight just as hard. Hang in there and we're here for you.

Jamie,
Your man loves you, he's made the move to you and you are together. Remember, just considering doing that was a big step for him, especially with kids involved. Often times parents stay together for the kids and that is all the wrong reasons because it fills a house with negativity between the mother and father, which rubs off on the kids. He had to courange to recognize his true love and moved forward. Just as we can't help falling in love with someone neither can we help falling out of love with someone and that is what happened for he and his wife. He loves you, he's with you. Yes, you will have some bumps in the road with regard to the children but I believe if you stay open about it with your man, be as friendly with the children as you can, even if they are being spiteful to you, it should all work out in the end. Keep in mind the kids are going to have a very hard time with this and will be angry at you, especially if their mom is feeding them bad thoughts. They will see you for the beautiful person their father saw you as in time.

I know it is hard not to worry, I'm a big worrier, focus on the fact that you are together. Keep romance very alive in your alone time, things will work out fine.

You are on in my thoughts!
XOXO Corinne

I don't think so..he has already "jumped" I like to say with you..that is a major step. His kids will always be his life and you should support and encourage that part so he doesn't feel resentful with you.

He probably feels guilty that he can't be around them all the time like he use too but he loves you and wants a life with you. Try and be strong regarding the kids, I know it's hard, my MM has a 5 & 1 year old, he spends time with them alone, I think subconiciously getting ready to "jump" but until he does I just don't know.

You have the upper hand, be the woman he loves not the woman he left.

Hello all,
You know its all starting to sink in. I didn’t hear from my MM yesterday after he left that nasty message. You know, I would have been ok if we’d left our communications off with our talk Monday night after I did the unthinkable and called him. Even though he called me back only because I did that we still talked and it was still beautiful to hear his voice and to “make him feel good”. It didn’t have to end with that nasty message early the next morning.

I won’t hear from him again, he’s obviously so scared of her finding out we talk, seeing my number on the ID, that she won’t come back. If he loved me, he wouldn’t care just as I don’t care and I call him back anytime he lets me know I can call, wherever I am. I really believed all the things he’s told me, how much he loved me, how I’ve always been in his heart after all these years, that I have a place in his life. I believed it, I wanted to believe it and now the reality of it not being true is just killing me. He doesn’t care about me, about the fact that we have a child together. I can’t sleep, can’t eat and cry every time I’m alone. The holidays are coming up, the most peaceful romantic loving time of the year and I can just imagine them getting together caught up in all that emotion of it all and the make up love they’ll be making. I’m pushed out of the heart he said I was in, the place in his life he said I had. Why did he lie to me so much, what could he have possibly gained from it. He can never imagine the love I have for him or care about the pain he has caused me. I try to ask myself why I love him so, what about him am I in love with and I really can’t figure it out but I can’t stop it either. Sometimes it takes my breath away and I feel I can’t breath. I just don’t feel I can make it through this heartache.

It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have rang his phone, but whether I did that or not this end was inevitable. Nothing ends nicely I imagine I’ll have to accept that. I love him, how do I go on without that. He’s been in my heart for 20 year and I see his child’s face with his eyes every day. Our child will never know about him, I would never want her to know how cold, calculating and manipulative he is and how he was to me.

This OW has lost the battle, pathetically, for the second time to a different woman. It isn’t fair, I was around long before her, the second wife, I should have said yes to him when he asked me to marry him years ago. Again, all my fault. I wonder if he was serious back then? I guess I’ll never know. I never wanted to lose him NEVER.

Hi Connie,

Im so upset that your feeling this way..always remember things happen for a reason. Things may seem like there not making sense at the moment..but someday it will. God.. after reading your last post I learned alot about your extensive past with him. I know there's alot more that I dont know but I am here for you and I will give you a helping hand whenever you need it hun. Unfortunately, yes the holidays are here! I remember last December when I wasnt with him. Even now, I see a slight void in him. He misses his children so much and it devestates him more and more as christmas approaches. The holidays are tough enough even if your with someone you love dearly..but when their not with you, its hell. You need to be strong, and YOU WILL get through this difficult time. Hell, Im the worse when it comes to worrying..you have no idea. I'll worry myself sick. You both seem like you have a very strong bond together..more so of the wife. That is so hard to find in this world, and yes it means something..even to him! It may not seem like he cares, naturally the holidays are very hard for all of us to see them. Im not sure what the phone conversation was about so I cant get into detail about overcoming it. My situation is also driving me up a wall, not with him but the ex. She's purposely torturing him, even more so that the holidays are here. It drives me nuts and gets me so angry because morally he's trying to do the right thing. Yes I may of won in a sense but he has never forgotten about his obligations with his children. Their young so of course they want daddy around. And with the wife preaching about this to him, it makes it difficult to "lock in" what I currently have. God I wish there was a happy ending for all of us! How much pain can we deal with? I'll tell you, when this is all over and we officially move on, a nice vacation from this madness is in the cards for us. Connie, he will call, my bf used to do the same exact shit to me all the time. It was never out of guilt for her, it was because I wanted more. He knew this for a while and took it in stride until finally it clicked. He realized that no matter how important his life was back at home, that I was with him 100%. That I truly loved him like a great woman does. It takes a man longer than a woman for all of this to click, but when it does..he'll never make that mistake of letting you go. Well Im sorry this was long but like I said Im here for you and I think this is great we all can come in here with understanding women(which rarely exists) and talk. Please let me know how everything is going with you, because it will be alright. It always turns around...remember that!
xoxoxoxo
Jamie <3

Hi Allison,

Thankyou for your encouragement. Boy, I need it lately. I've read your past postings and it seems like we have sort of the same situation. Hopefully everything is still going well with your M.M. I read that he gave you a promise ring..hey Im jealous I never got one of those yet! Haha. Like I said in my letter to Connie, for the most part everything is going well most of the times. We still have our bad days due to the ex. What about you? Does she know about you two or have an idea?? Have the children met you at all? I know I have alot of questions..guess im curious. Well if I dont talk to you before the holidays I hope you enjoy them and best of luck! <3
xoxoxo
Jamie

Brji,

Your story really hit home to me. Im dealing with the same boloney as we speak, its so amazing how all of our stories are so similar. I dont know how long its been for you since the divorce took effect, but I had my guilt episodes really bad. I was really sick, lost alot of weight, cried..blah blah.. and had no desire to do anything because I was convinced that I was the homewrecker. You see you and I are very caring people. If we didnt care about others then this would be no sweat off our backs. The wife always seems to think that we're heartless bitches that destroy lives. That is not the case at all. There's alot of women out there that don't care about hurting the people that are close to them. We are not the ones that destroy lives or marriages, its THEM. Yes we may be at fault for succumbing to a vile situation, but the fact of the matter is there the ones with the vows. His ex calls me all the time, hangs up, prank calls him, I mean its so ridiculous. She threatens him with his children because of his adultery. I think just like you when you said about "your dues". Well you know that can also be turned around in the world of Karma..maybe its her due. Who's to say? They got divorced for a reason..there was no more happiness! Sure there's couples out there that will go to marriage counseling or just plain talk if they suspect infidelity. That was their problem...not yours hun..their marriage couldnt be salvaged. Does he feel guilty about any of this? Hopefully I helped somewhat but trust me, I am soo in your shoes right now and totally understand. Hope you get through all of this and please keep in touch, Im looking to hear from you soon! :)

xoxoxoxo
Jamie

Im sorry "Corinne" I put Connie I think you know who it was intended for! :)

Hi Ladies,
I just bought my tickets for Italy, looks like I leave December 28th (so I'm really Stuck till December instead of November, but I don't want to call myself STD, that would just be embarassing:). I felt like writing again because my MM is acting strange. When i look at pictures we took about a month ago, we look so in love. Now we've both become really serious and formal in some ways...there's a wall growing up between us. Both of us are stepping away from all those feelings of love we share, I guess it's a kind of defense. I have to say that I feel a lot more stable when we act like this, but I miss how we used to stare into each other's eyes and how we used to light up the room whenever we were together. We still kind of do, but not as much as before. I'm thinking of quitting my job so that I won't have to come back here next year. When I said my MM is acting strange, I meant that he's always looking for signs from God or the universe that he's doing the right thing...this often means he tries to find signs from God that it's good to let me go, so he often keeps blaming me for stupid things, saying I'm wrong about things I had nothing to do with. I try to laugh it off, but really, it's making things a bit sour. I guess I'll feel better in a few days. I already got my flat set up in Italy, I'm really looking forward to being in the West again, to being normal, to no more head games. By the way Corinne, I really get the idea that your MM is playing serious head games with you - I don't mean to say he doesn't love you, I'm sure he does, I just mean that he's really got his own weird set of standards and he keeps making you so dependent on him so that you go along with them. I mean, in the real world, you're bending over backwards to make things work with him and this is really clear to anyone...anyone and everyone except him. He's living in some kind of weird selfish head game where you've actually been bad to him when you've been nothing but accomodating to all of his needs, wishes, and guilt-trips. I just want you to know that at least I think you've done far more for him than he has had any right to expect, you've gone so far out of your way for him, you've given him the best of yourself that you have to offer. If he tells you anything different, I think he's completely wrong (based on everything you've written). Still, my MM does the same and I always wind up trying to get him to see that I've been 'good' and not 'bad'. It's really a lame part of our relationship, he's completely messed up in this area...but God help me, I keep putting up with it. I just keep calling things like I see them, without getting angry...I'm not really sure that I should be so patient with this, but oh well, I'm about to leave anyway, a little more patience for the sake of a fragile peace won't kill me.
Well, I just wanted to write a little note (at least it's little compared to all my other entries:). Please write soon and tell me how you are.
Lots of love, STN

Hello RH,
I agree 100% with your girlfriends. Leave that situation alone until he handles his business (i.e. divorce). You don't want any of that guilt on you; or you never want to feel like he can blame you. Just back away from him and if he really wants a life with you, he'll come to you the right way... signed divorce papers in hands.

RH
Welcome to our crew. Let me tell you, you are definitely in the right mind set. It sounds like you and your man have a great love for eachother, one that sounds like it will stand the test of time. However, that being said, I believe it is best for you to stay away from the situation until he works out his marriage situation, and is free to be with you mind, body and soul completely.

That being said, I do believe you will be with him based on the love you explained you both have for eachother. Keep the relationship non physical for now mearly to protect yourself. You are number 1 and worthy of a loving, kind, peaceful and fulfilling relationship. Wait for him, wait for your future together. It sound like his marriage is based out of obligation, for both of them, for the sake of the child. His heart sounds like it is with you.

Hang in there, believe me I know how hard it is to stay away and unfortunately I know how it is even more difficult when you don't. Hold on to your love for him, if you are in his heart the way you said, he will come to you when the time is right. If it seems like he isn't moving away from the marriage and wants to hold on to you at the same time, let go. You deserve a loving relationship from someone who can give you 100 % of themselves and wants you 100%, not someone who wants you on the side. This doesn't sound like what will happen though. You will be happy with your man some day when the time is right, hold on.

Corinne

Hello Jamie,
Thank you for your encouragement and kind words. You make me realize a terrible mind pattern I am putting myself through that makes the whole situation worse. I harp on every word, the good and the bad and it is driving my emotions to the breaking point. You are right, we do have a strong bond between eachother, one that has, for whatever reason, kept us together all these years even though we are so far apart. I know he regrets that we he moved away all those years ago and wishes things were different. It is painful now to think all he wants is sexual things, when we re-started talking this year the first few months our conversations were full of our dreams, thoughts, ideas and kids. Things we've seen and done, things we wanted to see and so on. The last months it has been really nothing but sex, erotic and sometimes weird sexual things like him wanting a three way. There have only been two men in my life I've been intimate with, I couldn't imagine another man inside of me just for the sake of his sexual arousal. Don't you think that is a bit of a strange fantasy to want to watch me get f**ked, I would never want to see the man I love being intimate with another woman, is it normal for a man to want to see the woman he "loves" do that? Honestly it is making me feel like a tramp, adding to my desperation.

Anyway, I know he's angry now and confused with his wife gone (supposedly). I so want to comfort him and make him feel better but I can't continue dragging myself through the mud at the same time. Love isn't supposed to hurt like this, it isn't supposed to make me feel so desperate I cry every time I'm alone in the car, in the shower. I can't eat, can't sleep and feel shaky all the time. I hear your words, I will get through this, I just don't see the light at the end of this tunnel yet. The holidays will be very hard.

Thank you again for your kind words, sympathetic ear, and loving advise.

I think your situation will improve with time. You and your man love eachother and that is what is most important. The kids will come around to the situation and the x wife, she has no choice but to get over it. Time will heal her wounds and she too will find someone else. Continue to be loving and supportive to your man, you are the woman in his life and the one he holds in his heart.

XOXO Corinne

Hi RH,

I only wanted to say that you were really sooo much smarter than I was. I had no idea what kinds of consequences there would be if I started to fall for a married man - I didn't see five minutes into the future when it started happening and I have paid for it dearly. Whatever you decide to do at this point, you have to at least pat yourself on the back for being smart enough not to go too far before deciding to pull yourself away from your MM. For what it's worth, I think that if he's sincere enough to come to terms with his fairly odd marriage and to leave it in a way that shows he's an honorable guy and willing to do whatever he can to be a good father, then you shouldn't block him out of your life completely. I don't know how much of a space or what kind of space you should give him in your life, but anyway, he sounds like a pretty decent guy who's in a strange situation. I'm really not too impressed with myself in the area of building lasting love-relationships, so I don't want to give any more advice than that.
Good luck with your decision, I'm sure you're going to make the right one, it sounds like you have your head on straight.
STN

Hi Corinne,
One more quick note. I just read your message to Jamie and saw that you're at the stage where you're shaking, crying, not eating, not sleeping. I just wanted to let you know that this stage lasted about 2 months for me, with big ups and downs, points where I was totally in control for about 10 minutes or at best a couple of hours and then totally out of control for about 10 hours or even a few days, before it really became bearable. So please don't get discouraged if it's unbearable, it's part of the process. I know it feels like pouring acid in your wounds to pull back from your MM and to set things right with him, but it's going to feel better, a lot better, over time. You're going to be okay, better than okay, and you'll be so glad you did it even if it's the hardest thing you've ever had to do. I'm concerned that it may take you longer to feel better since you've been attached to your MM for so many years, but I'm hoping not. Who knows, you may even heal faster since you have the love for your children to comfort you. I'm not sure how these things work, but one way or another, I'm sure that good/healthy actions fill your life with good things over time.
Love, STN

im sure u r

hello STN,

great to hear about Italy... its beautiful, and i an sure it will do you wonders.if you go to Florence, give my love to the streets :-)

me well i have come to a quiter self, and i have found it in myself to stop asking the Why me? questions. my MM has been patient, still calls, he says he will accept anything which i think is fine for me, says he wants to keep in touch, as he will always love me, and want me as a friend, but if it hurts me he will stop calling. I have realised he does love me, and its me who has to decide the course of our friendsip, i dont know if i can go back to just friends. he came to see me, and we kept it low key, he was suffering, i can see it in his eyes, but one kiss and all resolve melts so i am not sure i can keep in touch, only time will tell... as it still hurts to give up the forever dream... but i try to let hope in, that i will find it in myself to be happy again...

take care all of you out there

dali

How did you guess??

Hi im new to this site but i have a question. im 25 years old my m.m has the biggest dick i have ever been with, and i am addicted to it. my ex before him was small so now that ive been with him its great! he told me that his wife never wanted to have sex with him and i dont understand why. maybe she wasnt good in the sack? well i just wanted to see if i could get some help on here for this addiction that im suffering from? ohhhh its so nice you all have no idea. he lets me take pictures of it!

Hello ladies and happy holidays!

I havent been on here for a couple days but just wanted to say hi and see how you all are doing? Well everythings going great with me he's going to have his 2 children with him for xmas which is very nice. He's so excited! Hopefully the ex-wife is gradually coming to terms with all of this, so she'll stop acting childish. (That would be a great xmas present). Send her a one way ticket to hell! The good news is he called me and hour ago and we're going out to a nice dinner tonight. So far this going too good ladies, something is bound to happen I can feel it! (I hope not)

Corinne, I hope everything is o.k. with you. Like STN said, yes for a couple months its going to be very difficult. I was taking anti-depressants, lost weight, stayed up all night, etc. I was there and it was horrific, I never want to feel that way again, but you will get through it! Your strong, and mainly your children need to see you being that way. I dont like to play games but I noticed when I purposely made myself "less available" it drove him nuts. There was a time when I disconnected my phone so he would wonder and fell right into that trap and it worked. Trust me, after the holidays your going to notice a change in him. The holidays bring out the worse in alot of people, yes even my man! Love you all lots and have a great holiday!!!

xoxoxoxo
Jamie

Hello Dali,

In these days, as I'm getting ready to leave (knowing I might still have to return in the autumn for another year), I feel very quiet...not happy, just to hurt to move in any particular direction emotionally. I don't get excited about things and I don't fall into deep depressions, I'm just holding on to some kind of floating device as I get tossed about by the waves, if you know what I mean. I'm so glad we your MM and my MM love us and that we know it - that's something, even if it's not what we'd dreamed of. I don't know how to give up the dream either, I only know how to force myself to stop thinking about it all the time. It takes all the energy I have to make myself focus on my real options and not on that dream I loved as much as I love my MM. Just as an idea, maybe you could spend time without contact for a while, until you feel stable again on your own, and then agree that you'll resume contact so that you can keep the friendship. My only other thought is that you might just force yourself to be friends who accept that love each other and can do nothing about it other than accept it. I'm sure there are other options, those are just the ones that come to mind. I'll be here for you as long as you might need someone to talk to.
xoxo STN

Hello Dali,
I hope you are able to find the peace and happiness you deserve. Your MM loves you, that is clear, and your love for him is clear as well. Keep all the fond loving memories in you heart, they will lead you to happiness again! No matter where you go, or who you love, always keep those loving memories with you to smile back on.

Happiness you will find!

Love,
Corinne

hello Corinne,

my dear, i wish i could do more, wish i could teach you the art of going to movies alone, go to a park alone with a book, and get lost in another world. My dear Corinne your MM is a very weak man. he is dependent so much on the women around him that he cant even get across a state to meet the women he loves, just because he might miss the one he has.
to tell you the truth, one of these days you need to go visit him without telling him! tell your kids its an interview, or some workshop... i think once you see him face to face it will be different, it always is. some of the shine wears off, and the reality sets in. you have lived long with your dream, you need to look at it with open eyes, to see if it really is worth it... and look at it with your mind, not your heart. and yes no sex talk on the phone, if he does not behave... it always makes you feel used.

Corinne, you are a very loving beautiful person, please try and get off this addiction. If there is a Yoga class around, do join it, it helps to become focused. it really helped me.

take care and keep in touch

dali

dear Jamie,

That is great news! hope it goes well for you, kids can be very tricky if you are going to spend time with them. so good luck.

dali

Dear STN,

thanks for the support.
from tomorrow, we will be on a 'only sos' contact basis. lets see how it works. but coming at a holiday time, and i will be alone, it will be very sad. but i will try my best to hold out on my own. we agreed call only in emergency, or when it get unbearable. he is going with his family for a wedding, so i dont think it will be so difficult, with all the activity around... i am going to have a tough time, as last year and before that we were together and had one of our greatest times together... sometimes i wonder how his wife does not realise? holidays he takes for himself, a week to ten days at a stretch, ... or does she just not want to see it? again no point wondering about it. I have to find myself something to stuff into my stockings :-)

take care, love
dali

Hi Jamie

Thanks for the kind response. Ya the ring is a funny story actually he found it in a bush at work, it was huge, one day he showed it to me and I'm irish..it's an actual Irish promise ring, I was explaining the meaning behind it etc..then a couple months later on our 1 year anniversary he presented it to me, sized and everything..it fit perfect! It was faite he found it...

As for his wife NO she doesn't know about us, I have met his son only.
Their marriage has been dead for several years and like many others they were staying together for 2 incomes to support the kids. They basically just co-exist. There is a part of me that wishes she would leave him as she has no interest in him at all, it's like they are living seperate lives already, her focus is just to be mom.

I know when he is ready he will leave her, I am not pushing that as I want him not to have any regrets. We have become so close more than I even expected us to be. Many things have changed, he actually talks about us living together. I feel a very strong bond happening more than ever, it's strange, just when I thought we had reached a level of intimacy, it grows.

How did he leave ? How long did it take ?

Don't be jealous about the ring..you are far more ahead of me in that department!! All the best and keep me posted.
Don't worry about the X.

XOXO

Hi Dali,

I just wanted to write you a quick note before going to bed. I'm sure these nexts weeks will bring some difficult times, there's no avoiding that...it always helps me to count my blessings when those bad moments hit me hard. I just keep building a mental list of all the things in my life I'm glad and grateful for when I want to ease the pain of not being able to have my MM. I wonder if that would help you. I hope so. Your idea of learning to do things alone and to like doing them alone is admirable. I'm trying something similar, but I have to admit, whenever I go out alone and bump into a happy couple, I end up feeling like crap by comparison. I know that's a bad attitude of mine and it has to change, but I feel it anyway.
I have another question and please feel free not to answer it, I'm only asking to try to learn something about why we OW end up being OW...I wonder if there's some kind of patterned behavior we're susceptible to. Anyway, my question is whether or not you had a good relationship with your father. I did not; I loved him, he loved me in a very selfish way and I never got enough attention from him, he never cared enough and he often showed more affection to and interest in my siblings than me. I wondering if somehow this relationship with my father is playing itself out in my relationship with my MM. I also feel my MM loves me, but the way the relationship is set up is that I'm always seeking his attention, always feeling neglected because he's giving his attention to his wife, family etc. There are some fundamental similarities so I wonder about the other OW here, if they see similarities between their relationships with their fathers and their MM. Just thought I'd ask.
xoxo, STN

Corinne

God after reading your last post you filled me in on how you really feel. It's so crazy when you sit back and think about the effects these men have in our lives. It literally makes me sick to my fu*@*ng stomach that these men can continue to have a disfunctional marriage to these women that treat them like SH%$! Here we have an amazing woman, who's pouring out her heart and soul to a man that deserves her and he's just too damn blind to see it. Corinne he's going to eventually wake up and see that his supposibly "happy marriage" is suffering from an serious irretrievable breakdown. Whenever he decides to come back to reality it may be too late..not for you..but for him. I am curious hun, do ever just point blank ask him if he wants to leave her and be with you. I know in my case which was similar I told him, that if I was him living in a marriage like that..I would of left along time ago. It's like cancer. It's only a matter of time when he comes to terms that life outside of theirs is worth living for. I questioned this everyday "How could he continue this?" My answer after many nights laying awake crying....Comfortablity. That's all this is. You get so caught up in regimens and routines, its what feels right to you. Believe me, it may not be right but its comfortable. You are such a beautiful woman Corinne. He needs to realize this..but I do feel that you can't continue this everyday stress either. Like all of us in here, we pretty much have the same stories, invest the same feelings and most importantly we all need to make the same decisions! He needs some kind of ultimatum. Barnone. It's going to hurt, he may even be pissed..but its not fair to both of you. When my M.M was pulling this same boloney I was terrified to tell him how I really felt..(deep down). I was sick, stressed, suffered from insomnia..I was miserable. I came on the website every now and then to see if I could get some support on what to do. Yes, the women we're very supportive but was I going to follow through with what we discuss on here everyday? Well, that considered some deep thought. Was he going to blow up at me for asking him such a question that "I" deserve to have answered? I made a decision after months and yes I did it. Of course he came up with a thousand excuses of why he couldn't, how much he loved me and how he didn't want me to leave. So I remained patient knowing that if I asked him again their would be two thousand excuses. The point Im trying to make is...that day is eventually going to come. There will be an awakening. That all depends on your strength and how long you can put yourself through this emotional torture. I do feel that after the holidays things are going to get better for the both of you. It's awful that it has to be an emotional rollercoaster. In my last post I said how the holidays are a big toll for everyone..especially marriages. I wish you nothing but the best Corinne, you are an extrodinary individual, even though I don't know you personally you are in my heart! Just keep holding on, and make the right decision for you! Keep in touch and talk to you soon!

xoxoxo
Jamie

You know I, like you, I have never opened up about my situation before, 20 years this has been going on, 2 years of a passionate affair that started in 1987 and 17 years of phone calls maintaining we love eachother. I keep finding myself coming back to this site to see if any of you have left a message and burden you all again with my emotional rollarcoaster.

It is 2pm where I am right now and I still haven't heard from him, I'd really hoped he would have called at lunch time like he has from time to time but nothing. I think the not knowing anything is making it worse but then again I really don't know if I could handle him calling saying they are together and trying to work out their love. Then I wonder how could they, she's told him his body is "disgusting", that sex is "forbidden" and "sinful", they apparently haven't had sex in more than a year and a half and before that it was far and few between and apparently as he has told me, horrible. I could go on and on about the terrible things he says about this woman, I can't imagine how he could love her or want that kind of life.

It gives me great comfort to know that you were at one time in a place I am now and it actually worked out for you. That you and your MM actually have a loving relationship together now and are making it work. The love you explain you share is beautiful. Safe, you feel safe in his arms and he says he'll always be there. That is so beautiful and gives me a glimps of hope. Unfortunately I do not think my MM is as strong as yours, and he has no children with this woman (want to know why, because she told him he was to unstable not to be in her group [cult]) so the only thing holding him back is facing a second divorce.

Oh Jamie, I'm so desperately in love with this man. I want to call the house so badly but keep saying to myself why, to hear her voice and know she's there, to maybe hear some sappy machine message she may have put on there, to be scolded by him for doing it. He has me so shut out, can't call work, can't call home. Do you know I check the obituaries and local papers for his area on line every day to make sure there wasn't some accident. I even call the hospitals to make sure he isn't here. I'm driving myself crazy. I want to hear from him so badly. At the same time I'm terrified to hear from him because I'm afraid it may be my kiss off call. At least I do know our last call ended with me saying "I love you" and he saying "I love you, I'll call you later if I can" and then we both said love you bye. Maybe that is my hope that it isn't over.

He told me once he was lost, he has not idea what lost actually feels like. I only wonder if he is missing me too?

Thank you for listening. Keep telling me about you situation, it sounds so beautiful and I'm so happy the kids will spend Christmas with you. I know they will be a bit of a challenge but it will be beautiful in the long run.

Much love!
Corinne
XOXO

Hello STN
You know I have to say, whatever you profession is, I do believe you would benefit into looking into a career in psychiatry or clinical psychology. You have sucha a beautiful way of viewing things and putting things into a comparitive perspective. The things you've said to me have helped me see things so much clearer and with more understanding. You would make an outstanding counselor.

That all being said, I wanted to say thank you. I'm holding on just as you are. I cry....alot. I can't really eat but I could stand to lose a little weight anyway. So, the days go by and because of you and the other lovely ladies on this site who so graciously care about me (as I do all of you), I'm gettin by as you are too. I'm really so excited for your Italy trip, I've never been there, I want to hear all about it.

We are here for eachother.
Much Love!
Corinne
OXOX

Hi STN and Danielle-

SOOOO sorry I haven't written in awhile. It's these men and job. I need your advice Danielle and STN. I don't know what to do. I'm dating a guy who is perfect the problem is, he is all about the military. He just got back from serving 8 yrs and wants to go back overseas the first time he gets. I'm not the 'military wife' type and I do not want to get hurt. I totally love this man but what would you do if you where in my situation? Jump in with two feet or run for the boarder? Love ya Samantha

Hi Samantha!
First, it's great to hear from you and to find out that you're in love again. I really admire your ability to bounce back and it gives me some hope for myself. But I'm sorry to hear he's not really your type in some important ways. For what it's worth, my grandmother once told me that when I really fall in love with someone, his circumstances and flaws won't matter to me. If I were you, I suppose I would try to take it a little slower and not try to decide everything about the future right now. I suppose I would also be a bit guarded...Heaven knows I have no idea how I'm ever going to dare to give my heart to someone again - I'm just glad to hear that you think you could actually do it, even if you decide not to. it's great that you're so into him, my advice is to just be a little careful. I think I'm a little older than you and one thing I can tell you, looking back on my 20s from my mid-30s, is that there are all kinds of things that I thought 'weren't me' or my style that ended up being things I really liked...and a lot of the things I liked back then seem awful to me now. Things I thought I wanted turned out to be not so great and things I thought I'd never want, well, I want those things more than anything right now. So maybe the role of a military wife, if things went that far, would be what you made of it. The only thing that makes me a little nervous for you is that you said he was perfect...but maybe you're only exaggerating:)
Let us know how things end up going...keep us posted!
Lots of love, STN

Hello STN,
Today is a new day and it was so nice to come in and see your beautiful note. You really have an incredible perspective on things, it's beautiful. You are completely right, I am and do have to move day by day and try not to concentrate on what "they" might be doing today and focus on what "I'm" going to do today. I'm going to take my kids shopping and finish up for the holidays, my family is visiting next week so I'll have them to fill my time and my mind as well. I may even turn my cell phone off so if my MM calls, he'll have to wait for me for a change. Of course I'll likely think that is to drastic when the time comes, but after reading your note I'm feeling bold at the moment.

I do believe he will call me eventually, just as he has before when I thought the end had come. Although this time I think it is different, I still think he'll call so we can maybe acknowledge the fact together that for now, this is the way it is. Maybe we can communicate to eachother that we do love one another and maybe we will be together....some day. I think my heart would be so much calmer if I could just know, in my heart, that he does love me then the day by day would be so much easire.

As for you, I know these next 8 days for you will be difficult with the anticipation of a new location and the saddness of leaving your MM. What you will be taking with you when you go is his love for you, you know he does love you. I'm sure he is so terribly sad that you are leaving for an undetermined amount of time, and it must terrify him that with you not seeing him on a regular basis, there is a possibility that you will find love again. That is a real possibility. All that is certainly why he may be seeming a bit distant now, like you said, as a man he is trying to seperate from the emotional feelings. This change for you will be wonderful, and in the future if fait means to bring you back with your MM, then it is meant to be. There is no denying you both have a beautiful love and respect for one another, nothing, not time, space or fait can ever change that.

Be happy planning your new adventure, carry his love with you forever and be open to what the future holds for you. You are a beautiful and amazing woman, what lies ahead of you will be very bright. I hope in Italy you will be able to continue on this site, I want to hear all about what is going on.

Much love to you!
Corinne
XOXO

my dear STN,

you are angry, that is good... shout scream, get it out of your system, best shout at your MM, he needs to hear it. then look at your anger, and understand it, to remove it you need to deal with it, i have been through this again and again... yes these men do not think like women. my last day with MM was spent running business errands. and at the end of the day when i broke down and told him, why did we do all this, it was our last day together could we not spend it together quitely?... he said, but it was not even for myself, someone asked me this and that... exactly, those obligations seemed more inportant. they do not realise that thigs will never be the same, sadly we suffer with the dim wits. anyway he said sorry, cried... but then time gone is gone... cant turn it back. so my dear sweetheart i understand.
Oh! a very merry christmas, its been a painful one but lets promise yourselves a better one next year. i miss home, mom, her goodies, the tree... have not had the heart to even put up lights this year... first time in my life. all because of a man who does not know what he wants? i tell myself, love or no love, one cant be depressed over a childs tantrum... so get up girl, and get on with living, and finding meaning and happiness to your life.
i know its not easy, i have not been able to write all these days, just plain sadness, cant read for my lectures... etc but i push myself.
what helps is to tell yourself and him, that you forgive them for being so weak. dont ask me how but it helps, if you find it in yourself.
as to you observation about relationship with my father, yes it fis the bill. he was always busy, had an affair, mom never forgot or forgave, he never tried hard, they just fought and existed, under the excuse that it was for me. god knows it only made it worse for me. i saw that pattern with my ex-husband, they were similar. ans when i could not work it out, i got a divorce, but with MM, he called me everyday for the past two years, and there only 10 days which we did not speak, out of which a week is now. so i got enough attention from my MM. if not presence. he is very honest, and very communicative.

too tiered to write anymore... take care, hold on, it will get better

dali

STN
I'm sorry, I saw this post after I sent off my long letter a moment ago. You are so angry and I hate to see you this way, I hate to imagine you are feeling the same feeling of loss, anger, pain and frustration as I am. Why do we love these men?

Of course I will remind you of your anger if you should slump into depression, and I think your idea of Paris and a beautiful outfit is fantastic, can you really do that. I wish I could do it with you! The best I can do here is stand on a bridge over the river. "Bridge over troubled waters" isn't that ironic, I couldn't do that, I'm afraid I'd jump. Anyway, be good to yourself. Yes he is being a damned selfish bastard and doesn't deserve the love you have for him. I do believe he is hurting but just isn't showing it in typical man form. Remember you are beautiful, remember you have a bright future, remember you too light up a room just by walking into it, even if you can't make eye contact, the light is undenyable.

I agree with you in telling anyone seeing these posts who are thinking of getting involved with a MM, DON'T DO IT. It simply isn't worth it, all this heartache, the unknown and constant questions, the guilt, the lonliness, love yourself and find someone who can love you back.

STN, hang in there! I'm here for you.

Much love,
Corinne

Hello Dali,
I'm sorry to hear you had a sad Christmas. My thoughts too were of my MM, who was at home, thinking of her no doubt. If you've seen my previous posts you know she left him (temporarily I believe) and the few times he's talked to me, I do believe he's miserable she's gone rather than miserable I'm not there. She's been gone almost 4 weeks and I think what she's doing is playing him, to make him relize he needs her and what better time to hurt him then during Christmas. She made him spend Christmas alone (well he was with his kids), trying to hurt him the most. Unfortunately I think its working. I tried to convince him to at least get a Christmas tree, when I last spoke to him on Saturday he said he was headed out to get one, then when I talked to him today he said he couldn't bring himself to do it. Couldn't bring himself to do it, so what she's doing is working. He has a shirt of mine and he told me he wore it all Christmas day when he was with his kids, made me closer to him. I don't think it is me he wants closer to him.

Anyway, I'm sraying off why I'm writing, I'm sorry your Christmas was lonely. I too thought constantly of him and what he was doing, if he was with her or not. I was lost but tried very hard to make it great for my girls. I think I did an ok job.

Hold on Dali, you'll find happiness, we all will. Have a Happy New Year and keep us posted on how you are doing. Even if you are sad, write it down, it helps, you have all helped, and I'd love to help you as you've helped me.

Much love!
Corinne

I came across this discussion as I was searching for books or articles on the psychology of being the "other woman".

When I was a young woman, I never imagined myself being someone's girl-on-the-side. Actually, I was very judgmental about women who allowed themselves to do that. Twenty years later, I became one of those women I judged and now find myself struggling with finally ending this pattern. For several years, I have been the other woman to three men - one married and the other two co-habitating with their girlfriends who knew nothing of me.

None of these partnered men I've been with made any real moves to leave their primary relationships for me. If I had even heard an inkling of an argument with their women or a hint of some dissatisfaction with their relationships, I deluded myself into thinking that those were the beginnings of some movement toward me becoming "the one", the primary, the real girlfriend or even wife. But in reality, none of these men were making attempts to embrace me as the one.

So here I am, the day after christmas, just in the wake of telling this man that I have grown weary of being #2. In our heated telephone argument this afternoon, he made it clear and I finally understood that he does not feel for me what he feels for his girlfriend. Believe me, this was a process a couple years in the making. It really set in to my psyche that he is not in love with me and that I've been a diversion from his boredom and loneliness when his woman is away on business.

It's extremely painful but I am just dog tired of the sneaking around, waiting for phone calls, listening to voice mail messages apologizing for not coming by as planned because he got "caught up with wifey and that whole situation", not spending holidays with him, not being a part of his family or him a part of mine, being kept a secret like I was something so abhorrent and shameful that I needed to be hidden.

I'm too precious of a human being for all that...and so are all of you on this discussion board.

It's really difficult and it's a process but if you are willing and you're ready to step away from him and move on, you'll just do it.

Best wishes to you all and I hope 2007 is your year!

That is what I need to do, JUST DO IT and step away. But how do I overcome the unbearable saddness of never speaking to him again.

It is very clear to me, my MM is miserable after enduring the 4 weeks that it has been since the wifey left him. It is also so clear to me that she is playing him (like a fool), trying to proove to him he's miserable without her, trying to hurt him when it hurt the most, during the holidays. It's working, I can hear it in his voice, and he still doesn't want me to call showing my number on the ID, god forbid he should have an adult conversation with someone more than 500 miles away and she find out about it. If he wants to be with a woman who won't support him in his ambitions, who won't satisfy him sexually (no sex in almost 2 years because it's "sinful"), and a woman who'll look at his naked body and tell him he's disgusting, then there is nothing I can do about that.

The problem is what can I do about the constant breathtaking pain followed by the immediate swell of tears in my eyes whenever I think on him not being a part of my life then, whenever I try to accept the fact that it isn't me he loves or cares about. It is unbearable this pain. I love this man so deeply and dearly, I want to dream with him, I want to satisy him sexually, I think he is beautiful. So what's wrong with me?

Hi Ladies,
I have time for just a quick note right now and (as you might be able to guess, I'll write more later:). Mainly I wanted to say that in the end, the thought that helps A LOT, is that we deserve better, we do. If we keep settling for these MM who treat us like nothing when we need them the most, we are only working against ourselves. When I somehow get to that place inside my head and heart where I know down deep that I deserve more respect than he gives me, I become a more compelling person. And my MM is always shocked when he sees me when I'm in this state. He's used to me settling for nothing. It's so great when you let them know that you have limits, that you're not their doormat. It changes the whole dynamic for the better. And not contacting them, well, it works like MAGIC. If I don't make myself available all the time, my MM suddenly starts looking for me. I think it's awesome that your MM (Corinne) had to call you 4 times and got nothing, it can only help. I'll write more later tonight, and unlike these married men, I'll be here for you ladies if there's anything I can do.
Lots of Love,
STN

Hello Ladies,
I'll be leaving work soon and will be off with my visiting family for the rest of the week.

I want you all to know how grateful I am for your advise and understanding, and mostly just for listening to my babble. Thank you for allowing me to release this 20 year old painful secret without harshly judging me.

STN, have a safe and happy move, I will be thinking about you. Enjoy your new flat and please let us know as soon as you can how things are going. I'm anxious to know how your MM handles seeing you go. If he doesn't show it on the outside, you must know it's killing him on the inside. Remember to treasure the happy times and if fait wants it, you'll be together again.

Dali, hang in there, it will get better. Hold on to the love and happy times.

Jamie, you give us all hope that some day there will be a brighter side. I do hope your holidays with the children were beautiful and your love continues flurishing.

Allison and Danielle, thank you for all your kind words, I do hope things are going well for you.

As for me, I'm desperately in love with my MM but am again trying to remind myself "it is the way it is supposed to be". He said he loves me, maybe in some way he does, but it is HER he wants back. It is better I discovered that now rather than moved there and discovered it then.. I suppose. It cuts like a knife so deeply in my heart I'm waiting for healing.

2007 is a new year and I pray it brings all you ladies and myself happiness and serenity.

Happy New Year!
Much Love
Corinne
XOXO

Hello Corinne and STN,

thank you for your support, been sick for two days, just finished my crying session... it feels better now. its so hard to let go! but it is happening little by little. i no longer wait for his call. life is difficult, but my own.
i have made a lot of sketches, and plan to paint this one week of holiday... it always makes me come alive. wish i could show you my work, you would all relate to it.

STN good luck, enjoy Paris... forget the money part, sometimes its good to let go and just spend if it makes you feel better. do keep in touch, you are a good friend.

Corinne you are making ground :-). Great. keep believing in yourself.
Cheers to a new year and a new beautiful life
take care

dali

To the woman who wrote in about being the OW to 3 men...my heart goes out to you. I don't know what makes men try to get away with treating us this way and I don't know what makes us accept such a sad place in life for ourselves. I also used to judge OW harshly, I never had any ideas about them other than that they were home-wreckers and tramps...and look at me now...the OW for about a year and half and agonizing about letting go, even when I know that he cannot give me even 10% of the committment and attention I deserve. I too am just someone my MM loves to turn to when he can't handle his normal life. But where is he when I can't handle my normal life? With his wife. When I fell for him, I seem to have lost my wits.
I wonder if you would mind sharing what you learn about what might make us OW behave the way we do (since you said you've been searching the web for information about this topic); I am also trying to learn as much as I can, so that I don't repeat my mistakes and bad patterns for the rest of my life. It seems to be a pattern for me to fall in love with men I can't have for one reason or another. That's all I've figured out so far. I don't yet know how to break the pattern. In any case, I'm glad that all of us on this website are waking up to the fact that we deserve better than what these MM are willing to offer us. I think this is the first and most essential step towards a better life. I'm wishing you all the best as you start to figure your way out of your difficult situation.
STN

Dear Corinne,
Instead of going to bed as I said in my note to Dali, I read this message of yours again. You asked what is wrong with you, what you can do about the horrible pain you feel when you think of separating from your MM. I really do think you're suffering something similar to what addicts go through when they can't have their drugs of choice - for us, love is the drug and every cell in our bodies ends up wanting more and more of it when we end up in an addictive/dependent relationship. Our feelings (including love) are bascially chemicals that our bodies produce and we can actually get addicted to certain types of them (at least according to some things I've read). The pain is unbearable because your body thinks it needs more'love' from your MM, and you're cutting back. I suppose not everyone believes this, but at least it works as a kind of analogy (you could basically say that you're going through an emotional withdrawl and it's going to take a lot of pain and time to get through, to clear out this need from your system). You may end up taking three steps forward, ten steps back, 2 steps forward, etc etc for a while until you're strong enough to make a big leap forward. Part of you already wishes you could just make the break, stop the dependency you have on this man, and that part of you will get stronger over time if you just keep feeding it. I'm not sure if that kind of thinking helps anyone on this site, I just know that it helped me to see things that way. I also needed some kind of explanation for the power that my feelings had over me. I'd never experienced feelings so strong, love so completely passionate, pain so utterly debilitating and overwhelming, until I fell in love with my MM. I'd never had such a difficult time in my life leaving a bad situation behind me. The idea of addiction helped me understand some of the neediness and desperation I've been feeling.
Well, I guess that's it for me tonight, I should have gone to sleep ages ago, but somehow I'm not in the mood.
Take good care Corinne, I'll be here waiting to see how things go for you over the next few days (I'll try to check in from Paris).
Lots of love, xoxo, STN

erm... it seems a little selfish to do so when so many people round here seem to be having a bad time just right now... but i was wondering -there's a man i liked for along time - probably toward the point of infatuation. he seemed so gentle, kind, strong, warm etc. he is married with a large family.

A year ago I found out he was having an affair with a girl I know. It really touched me deeply, for reasons i'll never quite understand. i don't know what part of it is nosiness, jealousy, maybe even love, because my feelings are too strong for me to recognise. he seems to be perfectly happy with his wife, but i also know from mutual friends that this girl says he's in love with her.

have spoken about it with friends. i basically figure I am better off out of it as it may all end in tears for everyone. but somehow i feel envious of the girl sometimes. can you guys relate to that?

btw -the question, i mean.

xx

Well I enjoyed all of the uplifting letters. I am new to this forum and I have had a horrible year with my MM. You see, we met at work several years ago, and he married his high school sweetheart. He says after about seven years, he has been married since 96, he strayed. Then we met I never even looked his way, he wasn't my type, but then we got to talking and we just hit it off. We have such strong passion and it just could not be denied. Well, we had an ongoing affair off and on for about 2 years. Then we broke up his wife was expecting their second child ( two daughters they have) then it all happened. We started our affair again in early 2004 his wife found out about us on 3 seperate times, and we would break up and he kept coming back to me again. Finally, she threw him out and started divorce procedings. Then we moved in to a beautiful apartment I furnished it all myself. The two years we lived together was interesting. The first was actually wonderful, still his kids never came to visit she would not allow it. Then the second year came, awful. I broke my ankle before Christmas last year he never helped me with anything, I could not move. My parents had to come over and do the shopping, etc... for 2 months. I should have known he was useless, he missed his kids and home he did not like living in an apartment. It went downhill. We continued to live together he would come home later, not call me for days.Finally he moved out in May. I took a couple days off of work to sort things out because working together is hard.He called me out of the blue a couple of days later, I informed him I was moving from the apartment we shared to a really cute 1bedroom w/loft. He kept saying he missed me and he just needs time to sort things out.Well, he helped me move all of my things to my new apartment and I took him back. So from May to now, he has been living with his wife and kids, saying he was staying in the basement and kept promising me that is was coming back to me. Was I an idiot or what. Finally, he said he was coming back in March, he has things to take care of while he is living there.

terrible painful day, losing my fight today... desparate to hear his voice
wrote this...

can the sun be too late to rise?
can the dawn never reach the horizon,
can the sea never reach the ocean?
can rain never touch the earth, who yearns for it so much
can the silence overcome the music
can the song be lost in tears and rain?
can the mind lose you in my memory
can the truth be a comforting instead of pain
can this be anything else than tears and pain
can this be anything else?
can this be anything?
can this be?
can i face the truth that i will never be with you?

dali

Hi,
My guess is that you do have some feelings for this man, romantic ones on some level...and of course I can relate to that for sure. But please, don't let these feelings develop, even if something romantic ever happened between the two of you, it would definitely be accompanied by mountains of pain, frustration and all sorts of horrid traumas that may be difficult to imagine from where you sit now. If you have to love him, just do it from a safe distance because if you begin to invest any of yourself in this situation, you'll have gone too far, but you may not see that at first (many of us didn't see the pain coming before it hit us like a mac truck) - once you realize you've gone too far, it will be too late, and you'll just suffer like you wouldn't believe to get yourself out of the situation. Please be careful for your own sake, keep those feelings from developing before it's too late -if you turn away now, you may never know it, but you'll have saved yourself more heartache than you can imagine.
xoxo, STN

Hello Ladies,

Well I hope you all had a great holiday. I know how tough it must of been for all of you out there, (myself included) so hopefully you all came up on top. I havent been on in a few but its nice to know that I have people on here that care about my situation, and for that I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart! <3

My christmas went good I guess..lol My M.M surprised me with a beautiful bracelet. I was hoping that it would be a ring..but hey..I can wait for that! The ex has been driving me crazy. Uggghhh! She just wont quit, its quite pathetic, but he's really starting to see the "WACK JOB" that she's been revealing lately. If I was her, I would consider playing nice :)..I think she's seriously bipolar and needs to be sedated! Haha!

I just hope that 2007 is a better year for all of us. I feel like it will be, we're all due!!! I havent had the opportunity to read any of the posts that Ive missed, but I will tomorrow morning, Im just very tired right now and need some sleep! I'll talk to you all tomorrow!

xoxoxo
Jamie

it is sad to read these stories. they are accounts of grief... and i didn't want to come here and say something platitudinous. but supposed wisdom is one thing... actually knowing what it feels like to gain experience which strengthens and develops you is another, and you guys are in the latter category. taking the decision to get involved with these men has come with tough consequences. taking the decision to be strong and search for better relationships has enabled you to start becoming who you were meant to be.

that's my two cents.

dear all,

STN you have written a beautiful message for all of us thank you so much. it is so soft and yet so deep. i dont know what you do, but you can be a very good healer. enjoy paris and italy...

corinne i hope you have found some relief, in being with you family.

Thank you all the sensitive, beautiful women here who have helped bear this pain. its a blessing to have found this site, otherwise in the loneliness and confusion i would have gone insane. It teaches us just by listening to each other.
my prayers are for all of us, for a warm comfortable year ahead...
love to all the friends i found here

dali

Happy New Year Jamie and everyone. WOW what an amazing story! I can totally relate to everything you wrote it's almost like looking into the mirror it's so similar. The main difference is your MM admitted that he will leave her for you.

I am so afraid to ask this of him, I mean he should know right ? Right now things are going to well that I feel numb..is this possible ? I just don't know if he will leave her.

The friday before christmas we were out for lunch and I had alot to drink as did he. Before I was leaving for christmas holidays he told me how much he loves me, like no other and how everytime I am not around he thinks of me and misses me just as I do. He told me to believe in him..then I said, how can I believe in you when in the summertime you had told me that you can't end your marriage when your wife hasn't done anything wrong....

Then he said, well things have changed now. I want to be with you, I love you and as long as you love me there is no risk, nothing to lose. What do I gain, I said me...he says that's right and that's enough. So I left things at that point, I really didn't know what to say as tears were in my eyes with happiness.

The only thing he said and has repeated, is that he is worried I would get bored....9 years age thing ?

As for your man, he sounds like he is very content and deeply in love with you.
I am unsure why a ring would make you happy, do hope to marry him ?
Enjoy your passion, he is going through alot of emotions, he won't go back to her, if he is anything like my MM. I don't think he is the type to go back on his word, when they make a decision, it's done for the good or the bad.
There may be alot of "what if's" but in the end they know they would be miserable without us.

Love Allison.

Hi Allison

Hope you had a great holiday with your M.M! It sounds like you two are on pace for a beautiful relationship together. My M.M thought the same about our age difference as well. I just think it's their small insecurites about being with someone younger, and wondering if we are going to feel the same about them in the future. I love him for who he is, and emphasize this to him. I like to joke alot too so I'll say something like: "Oh dear when your 70, I'll wipe your ass for you!" Laughter is definately the key to my relationship! :)

I remember when we were in our dating stage. Technically we still are dating, but it is much different in my case. We live together so it seems more real. Im the type of person where I need validation. If you read my letter to STN about father's you'll understand why. My father left us when I was young. Unfortunately, I need that reassurance that my M.M isn't going to leave me either.

If your M.M is telling you that he wants to be with you, and he loves you..he will. When you reach this point, you'll understand what I mean with validation. Your feelings are going to feel so different, you'll be fantasizing about being in an open-relationship with him, living with him, spending the rest of your life with this man. I think that you may already be at this stage because of your relationship being so open with him!

I didnt come out and say "LEAVE YOUR WIFE DAMMIT AND BE WITH ME". (Although deep down that's how I felt) I would say things on the line of: "Wouldn't it be great to do this all the time?" I would hint constantly, and believe me, men are no dummies. Don't be afraid to tell these men ladies that you want them. It's all in how you say it.

Getting to your situation over the summer. It's like deja-vu to me. My M.M said similar things like yours did. His excuses were his children, how the hell do you overcome that topic. Children always come #1, and I didn't know what to say. I would ask him, "Why would you continue a marriage to a woman that you don't love anymore?" And he would respond: "If we didn't have kids, we wouldn't even be having this conversation.".. You see my M.M openly said that he wasn't in love with her anymore. He's the type of man where he said what he meant..even if it hurt me.

Allison if I were you, you need to ask him this. He's already said that there is no risk. Why risk losing the woman you love (YOU)? Also for your personal development, I think its crutial you ask him. Do you really want to know? I know I did, I couldn't take the wondering all the time. You need to find your own way/words. Don't be nervous because in the end, their marriage will end, trust me. I was on this website and it discussed how 83% of marriages that have extra-marital affairs, divorce. The question is hun, how long can you wait?

I wish you all the happiness in the world, and hope that you have the strength and courage to do this. It's very scary, but you will get through this!!

P.S. Let me know! :)

xoxoxo
Jamie

Hi Jamie

This is so refreshing to speak to you, you have no idea.!! Thank you so much for your advice.

To answer your question, a few weeks back, I was struggling with what your saying about us being together for real. The main problem with me is that I have such a difficult time expressing my feelings with him, he knows this and always wants me to tell him how I am feeling. Anyhow..that day I came out and said that I am afraid that one day "the spark" would come back into his marriage and that I need to know now what he is feeling about me and us.
He said again - that she doesn't love him anymore and they just co-exist as 2 incomes to support the kids. I said and what about you..is there a chance for you to rekindle, he said no, it's too far gone and I have strong feelings for you. Then he asked me, are you asking me for a committment...? I wanted to say yes..but I froze. I ended up saying I just want to know where your head is at, he says you are entitled to know that, l love you. But he never gave me the answer that I think I wanted.

Last night, we hooked up for a bit since I hadn't seen him before new years eve.
We were talking about the previous friday where we had the drinks and he said all that mushy stuff to me..which as I thought, he doesn't recall the half of it..he does call that he was being all emotional with me knowing he wasn't going to see me for 5 days, he remembers (he said this) how beautiful I looked and how romantic he felt. As usual I turtled...thye only thing I did say to him was - you don't seem like the type of person that would say something you didn't mean..I guess I will have to wait and see if you say it again.

Does this seem familar to you ? One minute you feel it is real and we will be together and the next it was just the heat of the moment.

Hello everyone, Happy 2007!

STN, I know you aren't on line yet but I've been thinking of you and hope your move went well. Paris must have been beautiful at New Years Eve! I know you were nervous and scared but I can't help but feel this is all going to be wonderful for you. You go girl!

Dali, I hope you are feeling better and things are looking up. I've been praying that your heart has found a chance to smile.

Jamie, I'm so glad to hear about your Christmas and how lovely it was with YOUR MAN, you can't really call him your MM anymore, it is so obvious how he loves you, chose you, so for you he is YM, good for you! Don't worry too much about the X, she'll move on in time. He loves you and it sounds like a beautiful relationship, I'm so happy for you. I hope the love continues to grow in the new year.

I had a nice time visiting with my family for a few days. My MM called me often the day before New Years Eve, but then I didn't hear from him again until yesterday. Just like the Christmas weekend. I think I've discovered he's lying to me. I do believe his wife has moved back in, it would explain why he can't call me in the evening anymore and after all, he hid the fact that he was even married from me for 3 years, why would he not hide her moving back if he thought it would keep us going, whatever "us" is. His conversations are still mostly sexual at this point and honeslty I'm a little tired of it. I'm so much more than that, I love him so much more than just that but I don't think he feels the same for me. He loves the idea of f**king me. Its all so sad for me to come to this realization but it is just becoming so much more clear to me. Maybe he does love me in his own sexual way, but it isn't enough. He said some sweet things yesterday like how wonderful I made him feel when we were together so many years ago, and he said "I'm so in love with you" and "I love you very much", but those words were all surrounded by sex, sometimes odd sex ideas too like watching me with another man. Why would someone want to watch the woman they supposedly love have sex with another man. Our conversations never were about that until recently, but now it's just getting sick.

Unfortunately I still love the bastard. Why I don't know, honestly, I really don't know. What I do know is it hurts so deeply because now he just makes me feel like a little slut, especially since I think she's back and he's lying about it. I've only been with 2 men my whole life (he being one of them), that hardly constitutes a slut but that is how he makes me feel. I shouldn't love him, he's very bad for me I know. I wish I had the courage to actually tell him that's it, I'm done but the second I hear his voice I become an anxious teenager desperate to keep her man any way she can. I'm pathetic and feel quite miserable at the moment. I'm sorry I ever called him and started talking to him again last spring, it was a huge mistake.

It is a new year and I'll be busy again soon with my kids activities so that should keep my mind elsewhere for a good while. We'll see. I know I need to let go of this man, I just can't seem to do it.

I hope you all had a safe and happy New Year. I'm so glad to have you all as a part of my life. I love you all!

Corinne
XOXO

sorry but i think you need to work really hard at putting something in place of him in your life. you know if you're in physically restricted environment for long enough, someone can eventually let the door open. the biologival tendency will be not to go through it, because you have become so used to what you know.

this guy's treatment of you is demeaning, dishonest and degrading. only 7% of communication is physical. what have you communicated to him by failing to face up to the horrible disappointment he stored for you (his fault) by lying to you about his marital status and leave him? or when you let him lie to you about his wife's return? or when you failed to give him the answer he needed to hear when he asked you, after all the time you've been loyal to him, to act out a porn display with another man?

he already has the message that it's ok to treat you badly. how much will that be reinforced if you waste any more of your precious time waiting for him? users don't change - they just take your compliance as a green light to take further advantage.

Sorry. :(

Hello STN,
How excited I am to see a post from you, I hadn't expected it so soon. I'm so happy you are safe and in Paris, I do hope you travels went well. I do believe this anger is your first step to freedom. It is of course hard for me to be certain since I'm not at that point yet, but I believe you are starting to see the inner more deserving beautiful you and are starting to move on. Please don't be so hard on yourself, there is no way for anyone to predict who they will fall in love with, or even why they fall in love. It happens, sometimes good and sometimes bad, but it just happens. Feel you anger, understand that it really isn't directed at one particular person but more the situation and the fact that at this time it couldn't work. You time wasn't wasted just simply used. You are young and beautiful, there is still plenty of time for to experience another love and much more happiness. You had happy, beautiful times with you MM. Keep those memories with you and when you let go of the anger and frustration, and you will let go of it, you will find peace to move on. It will happen. I'm sure life is crazy for you right now with the move and job change, hold on, it will calm down and get better, much better.

I'm trying to let go, the only problem is once I've thought "thats it, I'm moving on" he'll call me telling me how much he loves me, needs me, how beautiful I am, how he's love me so much for all these years. I'm sorry to say once he says that I melt like butter. I'm working on it though.

Enjoy Paris, it sounds lovely!
Lots of love,
Corinne
XOXO

Corinne -

I've had a few men telling me they need me. Sorry to be negative again, but in my experience, it's usually done in the context of someone trying to play on your desire to nurture them, in order to get you to accept a lesser package than you're worth. To take just one example, one guy texted me out of the blue and told me how much he missed me and needed me (for sex). This is in the context of me never having asked anything of him, him not letting me anywhere near his house because it would "disturb his flatmate" (wtf?) and being unprepared to go out anywhere because public places "weren't private enough". Yet he still tried to (subtly) bully his way under my roof in order to get casual sex.

That's an extreme example, and I've no doubt things are more complicated in your case, but... dating you for three years and *then* telling you he's married? what does he "need" you for? deep down he must know it's not in you best interests to stay with him as things are, so why does he phone you and tell you the very things most likely to upset you into staying?

Hello everyone,

still feeling low, its been terrible three days, its a backward ten steps. silence...

help

dali

Hi Dali and Corinne,
Just a fast note on the run. Dali, please write soon to let me know how you are, you sound in a very bad place now and I'm scared for you. The pain you're feeling has to run its course, there's no way around it so let that be, but please do anything you can to manage it while it's doing what the pain needs to do. The pain is healing you, slowly and in such an agonizing way, but it is healing you.
And Corinne, btw, I remembered the name of that film that i mentioned, it's called Matchpoint. It's so hard to watch, but you will gain some perspective on your own situation that might help. I'm not sure...it's really hard to watch, the message to us OW is so very very harsh, so if you're not in a moment where you're feeling strong, maybe it's best not to.
xoxo, lots of love, STN

Hi,
May I say that I am in the same boat.. After a divorce 5 years ago and plenty of opportunities for a relationship - the walls were high and then a co-worker gave me the most passionate kiss I have ever had...The walls were down and unfortunately he is married, 20 years, and an 8 year old daughter... I know that walking away is the right thing to do - but it is so hard - we talk on the phone a minimum of 3 hours everyday... He says he can't leave his marriage unless he gives it a fair chance and they have talked and "she" has a chance to make things better before he leaves... I know it's crazy - but hearing his voice is so comforting - I swore I'never fall in love again and it came and grabbed me - hook, line & sinker... I am looking for the strength to walk away and would like to say thanks to all the posts as it helps...the question is - how do you not pick-up the phone on the next call... He says he loves her...but he is "in love" with me... It'll be ringing soon and how do you walk away from the best 4 months of your life?

hi,
yes, you've got the same bug we all have. how to walk away...that's the question. my only advice is that you'll never WANT to do it, it will be something your force yourself to do against your own will. one good reason to do it is to save yourself before you get into any deeper - the longer you stay involved, it'll be that much harder to pull out. you will suffer, good Lord in heaven, you will suffer when the time comes...do what you can to make that less hard on yourself, get out sooner than later...if you can. if you can't, you're already in too deep. pick up that phone when he calls, but don't tell him anything other than that you love him, but you can't live with sharing him. i know, easier said than done...sorry i haven't got anything better to offer.

Hello STN,

Thanks a ton, the pain has eased now, partly because i could control with a lot of difficulty my urge to call. and partly because when he called and told me the reason, it was so frivoulous that something just changed inside.(excuse: i forgot to carry my phone, there was no ISD in the place, and i was not comfortable borrowings a phone from any of my relatives!!!) and i told him, i am losing my perspective on this, so i think you should give me space :-). there is a huge imbalance of what you can give, what you perceive i need, and what i really need... etc. we were going to take a trip to egypt, just as travel partners, but i cancelled that. its too soon, for me. he was disappointed, said i should try to balance it not cut off... etc ( meaning i will call and see you as i please, you do the balacing act???) i said no. you get to call me once a day, at this time,if you miss it, fine try another day. we had started this, but he always breaks the rules saying , i wanted to surprise you etc... but he refuses to put in an effort to stick to a time... also blamed me that i dont see his pain, etc... ( hey, if the pain was so bad, you would have married me, and been here or at least called)
anyway, its better, quiter in the mind... i did not sleep for four days... but eventually it feels like i have been washed and dried :-). i know some days this pain will come back, but atleast i know there is an end to it.

So you liked paris :-) you will like Italy too, except the chaos and the traffic ...
it will be a busy next week for me, end sems etc...
take care

dali

Help,
ladies, he just called me. He surely didn't sound like his old sweet self, said he didn't call yesterday because he "was busy". He's always so mysterious when I'm always so open to him about where I am, what I'm doing and who I'm with. Anyway, again we talked for only 5 minutes of mostly me talking, you know; are you ok, how was your day blah blah blah. He said he's got things to do and he'll "call me later". Could be another usual later today never comes, but I'm just so confused. I feel like a yo you that he just pulls up and down constantly.

What I did was unexcuseable, lying is a despicable act and testing him or not, it was unexcusable. I've made myself look like a hore in his eyes when in reality I've only been with two men in my life and he's one of them. I'm so so sad, and I imagine he won't call back today. Is that his new game? Why? Why paly me like that? I know you'll say if he calls back don't respond to him. I know that is the right thing to do at least for a while but I can't do it. If he calls and I don't respond I start to panic inside and my heart takes over. STN, you are right, he's my addiction.

I do hope you all aren't angry with my behavior. I've become a desperate and pathetic person, not even someone I like much anymore. Honestly I think he deserves better than me, he should go back with her. I feel like I just can't breath. Is he despicable or am I?

Corinne
XOXO

PEOPLE COME ON HERE AND CALL THE OTHER WOMAN WHORES, LETS BE REALISTIC HERE, NO ONE CHEATS IF THEY ARE HAPPY, IT JUST WILL NOT HAPPEN, ANDMOST MARRIED WOMAN WHO ARE WITH THERI HUSBANDS, AND THEHUSBAND IS HAVING AN AFFAIR, THEY VERY WELL KNOW SOMETHING IS UP, SOME CHOOSE TO SHUT UP ABOUT IT, THATS WHAT I WONDER ABOUT, WHY THEY REMAIN QUIET, PROBABLY FOR FINANCIAL REASON'S, BUT IN TURN PEOPLE CALL THE OTHER WOMAN WHORES?I LOOK AT IT THE OTHER WAY, THE MARRIED WOMAN WITH THE CHEATER, STAYING BECAUSE OF KEEPONG THE ROOF OVER HER HEAD, AND NOT WANTING TO CHANGE HER LIFESTYLE, WELL WHAT'S THAT? HMMMMMM A PAID WHORE! I DO NOT BELEIVE IN THE NAME CALLING ON HERE, ITS DISGUSTING, BUT IT CAN GO THE OTHER WAY TOO, AS I JUST MENTIONED, BECAUSE THATS EXACTLY WHAT MANY DO, AND SOME EVEN HAVE THEIR OWN MM ON THE SIDE, ITS SICKENING WHAT IS GOIN GON IN TODAYS SOCIETY, AND MANY OF US ARE SUFFERING, AND HURTING BY IT, BUT ONLY WE CAN CHANGE IT FOR OURSELVES...AND PERSONALLY, I AM READY TO BLOW! NEW YEAR, NEW LIFE, HE CAN TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT...

Corinne,
Please pull yourself together. This man is not worth two sh*ts. Please, Corinne you can do so much better. Lord, you are beating yourself up like you killed a person or something. Okay, you told a lie. So what!!??!! We all have. It's not about him. It's about you and finding your inner strength. This man is a f*cking loser and I have yet to see one redeeming quality about him. This man is using you and now he is trying to cut you off, but putting the blame all on you. He is a coward. He is going to say "I can't believe you would do something like that" all the while, this a**hole been damn near begging you to f*ck a horse (not literally) for his viewing pleasure. You are not pathetic, and you damn sure don't deserve all this pain. He is a loser Corinne. Anyway, we love you unconditionally and there is no judgment from us. We're here to build each other up, not tear down. Anyway, you're in my thoughts.

Hugs and Kisses
daniellejordan

Hey STN,
How are you girlie? How is Paris? I know I haven't posted lately. I've been so busy with work and everything. Everything is well with me. My ex-MM and I have been able to go back to that place before we became lovers. We're great friends now. He's a person that's always going to be special in my life and I'll love him always. He feels the same way, but this was not our time and place. Anyway, hello to all the other ladies.... Dali, it'll get better. Just hang in there. I've been through every emotion you're going through. It too shall pass.

Hugs and Kisses
daniellejordan

Dear Corinne,

leave that pathetic man please! please get into therapy... please, i see that you cant seem to do it by yourself, you need someone to help you.
this is my sincere advice dear, you seem to lose perspective, he has been lying to you, what you did was a desparate way to seek his attention... and this love is only degrading you more. please stop, before it gets worse, please just seek help.

love and best wishes

dali

Hi Corinne

Gawd I just feel awful for the torment your MM is putting you through.
It seems to me he is all about convience to him, he calls you when he wants to talk and it always seems he talks about sex and fantasies with you.
He isn't concerned about you and how your dealing with this break-up. Your NOT a LOSER..stop putting yourself down, you fell in love..that's it.
Stop punishing yourself and most of all stop the desperate actions, nothing you say or do will make him come back, he will come back if he wants too.
It's NOT you. You are such a strong super person, start getting tough...I know it sounds like a huge demand but you need to start to live again..TIME will heal you if you let it.
You have to stop worrying what he thinks about you.
Your not a game..get tough...let him worry about you for a change. Don't answer his call. If you do it once, twice, three times it comes easier with TIME.
I am not religious but I do beleive in 2 things...

1. FAITE - you were put in this situtation for a reason, to survive and grow from it, it will lead you to your next....

2. DESTINY - the ultimate answer to every fricken tear drop you have had...it will all make sense, let it happen, let it go.

LOVE ALLISON.

I met a man at work , I didnt know he was married at first, we started dating or I really wouldnt call it dating, maybe I would just go to his friends house and he would come over to my house, I did find out he was married through one of our coworkers, he didnt even tell me himself. I quickly found my self falling in love with him, and wanting to be with him all the time but the more I wanted to see him it seemed the less I got to see him. He always came up with excuses for why he couldnt see me and these excuses got more and more elaborate, he also made up excuses for why he couldnt call me, my self esteem has seemed to drop to a level so low even I dont recognize myself. I took some stupid risks, even trying to get pregnant. I just told him that I dont want to see him anymore untill I see divorce papers in his hand, I dont think these will ever materialize, I dont even think I will hear from him again, you would think I would feel free but I am so sad, I had big hopes I guess, because I loved him we seemed to have such a connection, we could laugh together, cry together, ect. He hasnt even called me back thats how much I mean to him, Im sure he is with his wife and that eats me up inside so bad I cant stand it. Does any of this ever get any better???

I played the game and I lost.

My MM called me last night, angry. After begging him to tell me what was wrong he came out with "I can't belive you were so quick to be with him". I froze. What do I do I thought, he's angry because he thinks I did it, he'll be even angrier if he knows I lied and made the whole elaborate story up. He went on to tell me she's moved back, supposedly Sunday, and the relationship is loveless, sexless, she's there to help with the bills. I tried to explain I did exactly what he begged me to do, said he'd love me more if I did it. He said "I didn't hold a gun to your head". He said things like he doesn't need two women in his life nagging him, especially one "he doesn't even know", meaning me. After all this time and communications he says he doesn't know me. He said "I haven't seen you in 17 years". He said if i move there "you know what you'll be, the other woman and if you don't like it oh well, sorry". He was so cold and angry and its all my fault. I couldn't mutter the words I lied, I didn't do it. He probably wouldn't believe me in the first place. After 20 minutes of basically pleading on my knees on the phone he said she's coming back I've got to hang up. He claimed "I'll call you tomorrow", we said I love you and good night.

My world feels shattered and dead. I lied to the man I love and now he hates me for something I didn't even do, would never do, couldn't possibly ever do, and he likely wouldn't even believe me now if I told him I didn't. This is all my fault, I'm a dreadful despicable person and don't deserve this man's love or any others. I know he won't call me again, ever. I so regretted not telling him the truth after we hung up, I wanted to call him and tell him but didn't want to get him in trouble with her. I may just mail him a note telling him the truth and saying good bye.

I'm so lost.
Corinne

Corinne,
I really wish that you could see that you're not the loser. He is the loser. You made a mistake by answering his call. I just don't understand why you blame yourself for all of this. And listen to this Corinne, even if you did sleep with another man, you didn't do him wrong. You don't owe this man anything. How can you continue to hold onto a relationship that has given you so little? You keep mentioning the "spring and summer" Well, the spring and summer man is gone and its time for you to accept that. He is not the man for you. You have created this wondrous fantasy in your head thinking he is so wonderful and it's blinding you to the truth. He looks at you as a sex toy. He just wants to f*ck. Like I said, the spring and summer man is gone. Corinne, take back your power and stop with all that self-hatred and drowning in your own sorrow and depression. Enough is Enough. Get up and move on with your life. You are a good person and it's high time you start believing and living that every day. If you can't do it alone, then maybe you need to try therapy. Because you are in essence blaming yourself for all of his faults. He is dangling you by a string and instead of saying "it's all my fault", "I made a terrible mistake" you should be looking for some scissors. It is time to cut those strings loose. I don't know what to say to make you see what we all see. This man treats you terribly and you worrying about mailing him a note. This m*therfucker owe you a bunch a damn notes for his callous treatment of you. I know some people can't go cold turkey, but you need to try real hard because you aren't getting one thing good out of this situtation. You are stronger than this and it's time you step up and walk away from him..... never looking back.

Love
daniellejordan

PS I really would love to meet you girls in Paris too. That would be the absolutely best!!

Hello Marianne,
It does get better. But my advice to you would be to let him go until those divorce papers are in hand. As a woman who had an affair with a married man for almost two years, you are asking for nothing but pain and heartache. And even if he does leave her for you, then you'll be in Stage 2. Jamie really explained that well to us. It's best to let him handle his business completely and if its meant to be, it will be. I am speaking from experience.... I would never want another woman to suffer how I suffered because I fell in love and had an affair with a married man for far too long. For me, it didn't get better until I let him go and moved on with my life. The other ladies on this site all have shared the ways in which they've managed and/or ended the pain from being the OW. I wish you the very best and my sincerest advice is that when he calls you (and he will) just let him know it was good hearing from him, but you are moving on with your life and he's not included. Trust me, you'll save yourself a whole lot of heartache in the end. Best wishes.

daniellejordan

Could he be feeling as miserable as I am, thinking I actually did this vial despicable thing? Would he even believe me at this point if I told him I hadn't? What I wouldn't give to be able to reverse time. People lie all the time and never get caught, I do it once and look what I've done.

hello Danielle,

how are you... i need some reality check, here i am going back towards the fall again, i have agreed to a trip with my MM, for four days. i know it leads no where but i just want my break, to talk openly, enjoy a new place. this is not in the right direction, but could not help it.

STN miss you hope you having a good time.

love
dali

Hello Jamie,
I'm sorry to hear the x is giving you such difficulities, but it sounds like your relationship is strong enough to handle it. Hang in there, you future looks very happy and full of a loving relationship. I think he'll come around about the marriage thing too after is finished with legal matters with the x.

I know my MM is no good for me, but it has been 4 days since I've heard anything from him. This past weekend was the first weekend in 10 months that he didn't call me. I can't tell you how painful it was knowing that all this is because of the lie I told that has completely changed who I am in his eyes. Yeah if I had done it, it was at his begging and pleading, and he promised he would "love me even more" if I did, but I should have told him I coudln't do it, that I loved him too much to do that. I don't know why I lied to him about it, I just thought I was telling him what he wanted to hear. I so desperately want him to know I didn't do it.

I'm sorry, I can't help it, this is just killing me.

Corinne
XOXO

I know I sound like a broken record, and please forgive me for going on and on, I just have no other form of release. I feel so alone and ashamed of what has gone on. When my MM and I spoke last Wednesday, in his arguing at one point he said if I wanted him then I’d be there at 8:30 this morning. He’s off today. I told him I couldn’t do that, especially with all the horrible things he was saying and the fact that he’d just admitted that she’d come back. He said fine, whatever, along with all those horrible other things that keep sounding through my head. Anyway, so I know he’s home right now, I called knowing he’d see my number and either answer or not. I called twice, he didn’t answer neither did she, if she was there. There is my confirmation, he is furious because he believes I was with this other man and I’m done.

I’m so confused, I just don’t understand how this all happened. I told him exactly what he was begging to hear, what he wanted me to do, how can he turn on me like this. Right before I was supposedly going to “do it” with this other man, he swore how much he loved me, how he wanted to make love to me, please do this for him he said, “I want to hear about it”. Days after he tells me he can’t stop getting off over it, it was so exciting to him, then BAM, he’s gone and suddenly I’m a slut. I made him believe I’d done it but that I was very upset about it, felt dirty, needed his support and at first he assured me nothing had changed, he loved me. Then he’d say things like “you liked it, it felt good, you want more I know you do”, even begged me to do it again. Whenever I’d say I did it for him, he’d say “I don’t want to hear that I want to hear it felt good”. The more I think about all the scattered things he said the more I wonder what the hell happened? I mean truly, if I’d really done it, I did exactly what he begged for and wanted to hear, why in the hell would he turn on me like this. He’s completely shut me out…why?

I so desperately want him to know I didn’t do it, that I’m not that person. I can’t help but feel this is all my fault, if I hadn’t lied, if I hadn’t told him I was with that other man and told him the truth, that it is he I love and only he who I want touching me, then none of this would have happened? He would still be talking to me. I’m really so lost, I’m so confused and hurt I feel I can’t survive.

I’m sorry to seem like such a pathetic burden.

Corinne

Hi everybody.
I'm new to this forum, I was just browsing the Internet looking for some kind of support and I've come into this forum.
I'm a 48 Italian woman and I've been dating a married man for almost two years. Well to be honest our affair started a very long time ago, 13 years ago to be precise. I'm a translator and he's a colleague of mine, an English guy who works and lives in Italy and is married to an Italian woman. As most affairs, it started at work, we've been immediately and mutually attracted to each other. At the time he had been married for some three years and had a one year old boy. We had a short and intense relationship, especially as far as sex was concerned. He told me that there were some problems with his wife in the bedroom. The whole thing didn't last long, a couple of months, than he dumped me, he felt guilty towards his wife and felt bad for betraying her. I was hurt but I didn't really loved him so we've remained friends and managed to see each other once or twice a year. In the meantime I had other relationships (all of them ended badly, I've come to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me).
Anyway, a couple of years ago we started to see each other more frequently, and before I knew it we were in love. Now I don't want to enter into details but we shared an intimacy that I had never experienced before. We spent wonderful days together, sharing interests and food and wine, not to talk about the most wonderful sex I've ever had. But of course this bliss can't last forever. I'm sure you all know how does it feel to be the 'other'. Everyone and everything come first. To cut it short, we started to have arguments, besides his wife suffers from some genetic disorder which makes difficult for her to walk, and this made things for us even worse. I forgot to say that yes he's still married but things with his wife are not really working, they sleep in separate bedroom and they stopped having sex soon after his son's birth. We got through a very difficult time, our relationship had turned into a rollercoaster, we either had a wonderful time or we fighted all the time. I blame myself for that, I had a bad year and I was so stupid not to ask for help until late November, when I decided that it was time to seek advice and saw my doctor who put me on antidepressants.
I managed to go through the worst month of the year(yes another price we pay for being in a relationship with a married man). Last Friday we met for a pizza and he dumped me. He said that things got worse at home and he couldn't cope with the situation any longer. He cares too much for me and doesn't want me to be unhappy. I'm quoting him. All he wants is my happyness. And going back to just being friends. As if I were a tape you can rewind or a computer where you can restore the system configuration, reboot and everything is back to a given point. I think that he stopped loving me. Now all I get are texts and a very business like email where he replaced the 'I love you' with a cold 'love' or 'lots of love'.
I'm not keen on giving advice or delivering sermons but if there is someone out there who's about to embark in a relationship with a married man, please give it a hundred thoughts and if you are already involved in it but not so deeply in love, well leave the ship before it sinks. Because you are the only one who's going to pay.
I thank everybody for listening, I have no one I can talk to and I need to share my feelings with someone who can understand and not judge me.
It goes without saying that I'm in pieces, it's three days I can't stop crying and spend sleepless nights. Any advice to help me to get over this is welcome.
Thanks again.
lillybit

It's called "getting you where he wants you". he set you up. sometimes a guy will be intensely focused on getting a woman to do something out of SELF love. it's like a guy who piles pressure on you to sleep with him then doesn't call if ever you let him get his way. likely also he wanted an excuse to dump you, which left the door open for him to reverse his decision if he ever changed his mind on a whim, by tricking you into thinking it was something you had done wrong.

now corinne, i'm trying to be very polite, but there's only so many ways you can say this. take that stinky, lying, immature, using prick's number out of your phone, and don't call it again. not ever. the only way he will come back is if he thinks hs's losing his hold on you. but hopefully if he does, he'll be out of your hair by then.

trust me - you're not missing him. you're missing you. you need to build yourself up. you may not have a boyfriend but you still need your self-respect.... you think it will ever be better than this? can you doubt in five years time he'll still be playing cruel mind tricks with you?

and just suppose he is angry for you sleeping with another man (as he asked). he does that all the time to you. what are you apologising for? you gotta life of your own girl.

read your story, very sad... he doesn't sound like such a bad guy, but from what i understand of affairs, they hurt you more the longer you are in them. you have to look for the good in your life. you are a trnaslator... that must be a great job. why not take a special trip somewhere that's just about you? one of the girls here has just been to Paris... and you know, better that he's not available to you so long as you'd do anything to have him back. maybe you are worth more than that.

Me again.

I'm sorry for the frequent posts today. I wanted to let you all know I got in touch with him. It was a brief awkward conversation but in the end I told him about my lie. He kept saying "don't change your story", but I just kept saying that was all it was, just a story, that I was afraid to tell him I didn't go through with something he so desperately wanted me to do and was devastated when he was then upset when he thought I'd done it.

Honestly I don't know if he believed me or not but at this point all I know is I know the truth, I expressed it to him, and that is all I can do. I may never hear from him again, and that will be very hard and sad for me, but at least I told him.

This has somewhat taken some of the guilt off my shoulders. Thank you all for dealing with my rantings and for still loving and caring about me.

Much love!
Corinne
XOXO

Hi Jamie - Great to hear from you.

Trust me, your MM's knows the nutjob she's become, you know when women get desperate they do stupid things, men can sense that and that drives them away..everyday with you is another day of confirmation that you were meant to be together. I know it's so easy to always think "what if"..men don't..
They make decisions and that's it. The kids will accept you, but truly that isn't your concern. Your biggest concern is just to continue the loving relationship you have.
The marriage issue: I don't think he feels that he failed at that. You see don't count him out on this, if he loves you truly and that's something you want, he will do it, for you, for both of you. You are almost there at the brink, just think on how far you both have come. The rest is gravy my dear, hang in there. Every single day his love continues to grow and don't think for one minute he doesn't know how hard it is for you. Keep strong girl, time will tell.

I should speak TIME...seems to be my biggest enemy and best friend at once.
Am I strong enough ? Well here's another update....

He finally said it!! After a very emotional conversation, He admitted to me he doesn't love his wife anymore, he isn't connected to her at all, he even told me that on their wedding day he didn't say I love you...he said he never beleived in those words until me...he wishes I could understand how much he loves me..so I just blurted..are you going to leave her ?
He says..when in 3,6 months..I said NO..are you going to leave her period.
He says..I can't see myself staying in this marriage much longer, so yes.

So that's where it's at right now, things seem to be moving forward into a direction, like I said earlier time will tell...

Hi Lilybit...

Maybe it's just space you guys need right now, there is a lot of stress it seems you both have put on yourselves. I guess you have to ask yourself, were you happy or fighting the most. Seems like a love/hate to me..you loved him but you also felt anger that he didn't be yours. It also sounds like he truly wants you to be happy and the stress of his marriage isn't helping you.

Give it some time, that may proove to be the answer. I know it sounds totally cheezie but sometimes no interaction is the best and puts things into perspective for you. If he aches and misses you, he will be back.

Hi Pie,
thanks for your help. I have been thinking of taking a trip somewhere for a long time and I'll probably do that, I need a change and I need to put some distance between us.
I'm not going to do anything to have him back, not because he's a bad guy, but because there is no chance for me, he will never leave his family and I don't want that either, I don't want to build my happiness on other people's grief. I have always known that, so it's my fault too, I should have known better than this.

Hi Allison,
you got it! Yes it's a sort of love/hate. I love him and I hate him because he's not with me and will never be. But I've always known that. And I'm angry with him because he's somehow giving up his life to a woman he doesn't love any more, if not as a sister, out of duty. But I would do the same if I were in his shoes, after all he has a son he can't leave and a woman who needs him... I know that he can't imagine his life without them. He is not a bad guy, he is the right man in a wrong situation. I am the loser and I have to accept it and let him go.
I am sure he misses me, at least as much as I miss him but I know that he really wants me to be happy and he knows that I'm not happy with this situation.
I won't do anything to have him back, won't plead and cry and lose that little dignity that's left. After three days of non stop crying, today I haven't cried yet but I am very sad of course. I don't know how much time it will take to get over it, and probably he will always the one I truly loved but I know that things won't change for us. And I'm not saying that because I'm a pessimist but because I know that for sure.
I've never told my story before and to find the courage of telling it here has been the first step to overcome it.

Hello all!
Today is a new day and for the first time in a week I didn’t wake up feeling sad. A lot of that was in part to all of you and your constant kind, thoughtful and loving words of support. Also, I feel free now that I’ve admitted to my MM the horrible lie I told about fulfilling his fantasy of me sleeping with another man. I’m most grateful that I didn’t actually sleep with another man just to get my MM off, and I’m so glad I told him MM I lied. Whether he believed me or not I don’t care. Pie, I think you are completely right, he did set a trap for me that he could use either to get off, or get rid of me.

He did call a few times yesterday so I think maybe he’s decided he doesn’t want to get rid of me, but in all the despair I felt over the last week, the damage he’s done seems irreversible. I don’t feel any connection to him anymore, not that I mean I don’t love him because unfortunately I do still, very much, but I don’t feel love is a mutual feeling for him and that connection I thought I had before just isn’t there anymore. I’m his f**k puppet, and that is all. He’s made that very clear, especially with his statement “you’ll know what you be when you move here, if you don’t like it then oh well, sorry”. It was a cold harsh slap in the face, but a good reality check. He doesn’t love me, I don’t think he ever did. 20 years I’ve loved this man, 20 years all I wanted was for him to love me, to tell him about the beautiful child he gave me. He doesn’t care about any of it or about me.

The pain of letting go is still so great and at times takes my breath away. My heart aches for him, or at least the person I thought he was, and I’m sure this love will forever be a thorn to me, but I’m going to try and move on from here. I think he’ll probably call again and each time I’ll try to be stronger to let go and say good bye. It will be a slow process, but I see it is necessary.

Pie, please don’t feel you words were too harsh, they were said in loving caring thought and I definitely took them to heart. I do realize love isn’t supposed to hurt like this, and I realize he is only playing me. I wish I didn’t love him, I don’t know why I do, but I do realize what you say is so true. Yeah it hurts, but the truth isn’t always easy, its just something we have to face sometimes.

Thank you all for supporting my rantings. I do love you all! I’ll continue to let you know how things are going and I of course want to know how all of you are. STN, I hope you are doing well! Are you still in Paris? I look forward to seeing a post from you. Dali, I hope your trip goes well and gives you happiness. I’m thinking of you! Jamie, I pray for your beautiful love to continue to grow! Allison, DanielleJordan, you are all my dear friends! I love you very much!

Much love!
Corinne

Hi ladies,
Lillybit, You are going to be just fine and you made the right decision. It's hard at first, but as the days past.... the pain subsides and you move on with your life. It's a choice you make. You have to choose to be let him go and find your own happiness. Speaking of choices, Corrine.... when are you going to choose to let that that fool go? :) You should be counting your blessings. Let him be his wife's headache. Believe me, you are not missing out on a prize!!! Hey STN, how are you girl? Enjoying Paris.... I suspect. Dali, enjoy your trip. and that's my honest opinion and advice. Just keep it in perspective as best you can. I don't turn down trips. Don't have to ask me twice!!!! :) Jamie, stop letting that whack job ex get to you. Be secure in the fact that you have him. She's getting desperate because she can tell he really doesn't want her anymore. Allison, I'm happy that your relationship is going so well. You make us all proud. Hey pie, happy to see you back sharing your words of wisdom. :) You used to give us a mighty hard time. But we love you. You a part of the family too. Anyway, all is well with me. I can say that I'm really happy right now and I gained a lot from my experience. I wouldn't do it again, but life is about mistakes, regrets, falling down, and most importantly... getting back up and keepin it movin. Love you ladies

daniellejordan

Oh Corrine,
You are going to make me tear up. You have made my day. I am glad you are feeling better today and beginning to see the person he really is. It hurts, but it's such an important step towards moving on when the blinders come off. I am just so happy for you. There are going to sad days, but just remember that you are choosing to go through this short term pain so that you can have a greater happiness in the end. It's okay that you still love him and will always love him. But you're putting yourself first by saying this is an unhealthy situation for me. So I'm going to love myself more. Each day, as you disconnect yourself from him more and more, the better you will feel. It's a process, but it's well worth the reward if you stay the course. We're all here for you.

daniellejordan

Hi Danielle

Thanks for giving me some insight here. Its so funny how we can all give advice to others but when it comes to our own situations we're in the dark. Your right, its very simple, if he wanted her back, he would of went a long time ago. I need to stop worrying all the time about this. It really helps to hear it, especially from other women that are in my shoes.

Corinne-
I am very happy for you! You already seem alot stronger, and believe me..you will feel so much better in the long run. I know how difficult it is to leave something that you love dearly. Everything happens for a reason hun, this may give you two a break so he can come to his senses and realize what he may lose if he doesn't shape up.

STN-
I hope your enjoying your time in Paris. God I wish I was there, it must be really beautiful. I also want to thankyou for your kind words and loving advice that you give all of us. Can't wait to talk to you when you get back!

Allison-
My little sweety! Haha ( I know that's what he calls you!) Its so nice to hear your stories. Your really on pace for a beautiful relationship. You have such a great man that loves you so much. You give us all hope!

xoxoxo
Jamie

Hello DanielleJordan,
I'm trying so hard. The afternoon's are so painful because it is the time of day (when things were good) we talked often and for hours. He hasn't called me today and I have resisted my demons (with great difficulty) and not called him.

You are right, more difficult times are ahead of me, sad times and lonely times. I think about him constantly, it is so sad to know I'll never feel his love, that he chose her, never loved me or cared. I can't explain to you how beautiful and loving all our conversations were for the beginning 8 months. The last two months have been very difficult and emotionally wrecking for me. I know I can't get back the person I thought he was but god I miss those talks, feeling he loved me, feeling it was me he wanted. He really made me believe that.

Part of me wants to hear from him, part of me wants him to never call again. I wouldn't be able to say good bye to him, tell him I can't accept being just his little f**k puppet for the rest of my days knowing his heart isn't with me. Danielle Jordan I love him, how do I let that go. I know he's bad for me, I know he's been horrible and the pain he put me through over the past week has been unimaginable. It has caused irreversible damage for me, but all that still hasn't made the love go away. Its going to take time, I realize that, but god this hurts. I feel like a part of me has died.

I'm sorry, I'm trying, I really am. Today was better. Day by day.

Thank you!
Love you!
Corinne

Hey everyone!

Corrine you sound so much better, day by day girl, you can do it!
Same with you Lilybit. I feel so blessed to be able to come on here everyday and see the progress that has happened..Danielle and Pie you guys have come so far and really provide hope..sure we all want the happy endings like Jamie. But if the happy ending doesn't happen, well all know the odds stacked up against us it's great to have the support either way.

You see the main thing we all have in common, it's not the MM, it's the guts to love, the will to try and the belief in all things real. Following our heart, many people will NEVER have that.
We can't control who we love, but we can control when.

So ladies going through the hard part..just believe, it's gonna get better and have faith love exists for you again. You'll see..

Love Allison.

Hello Lillybit,
It has take me a few days to respond to your post. You and I seem to be sharing our despair at the same time, and our situations are somewhat similar. My affiar with my MM started in 1987, the physical part (which was amazing) of it ended in 89 when he moved away but for the last 17 years we've kept contact. At first it was a few times a year but we always reminded eachother of our love and feeling for one another. 10 months ago the conversations became every day and very intense until last week. I won't rehash everything again, I'm sure you've seen my posts as well, and last week I hit rock bottom. I definitely share your pain and understand the desperate feelings you are having. Every day is a struggle, and I myself haven't reached the point where it levels off yet but that time will come, for both of us. The ladies on this site are beautiful lovely ladies and are great support, I love them all.

In your situation I don't believe that your MM has fallen out of love for you, it sounds like you share a beautiful love, but he seems bound by obligation to his ill wife. It must have been equally as hard for him to let you go, but his love is why he thinks he should let you go, to not hold you back. His cold business like attitude is his own shield thinking it will help you move on from him, and protect himself from breaking down. I don't think it sounds like he'll be able to keep that up for too long, more like he'll come around to you.

Please hold on and know you are not alone. We all have had these feelings of despair and you and I are going through it at the same time. We are here for you and I'll give you as much advise as I can, however I don't think I'm in the best position to give the best advise right now. I know it sounds like he loves you, still loves you and you love him. Hold on to that and embrase the happy memories to get you through.

I do agree with your advise to other woman who consider a relationship with a MM, turn and walk away from the situation, it will only cause you pain. Unless there is a divorce/seperation in process, for your own sake take yourself out of the situation, please.

Please do keep us posted lillybit, we are in this together and will get through it together.

Much love
Corinne

Hello Allison,
Thank you for your sweet words and supporting me. I continuing trying. Certain times of the day are more difficult. When I wake up I’m hit with the sinking feeling that he’s gone, in the afternoon I look at my phone a million times to see if I’ve missed a call. I’m constantly fighting the demons that make me want to call him. I'm so grateful that I was able to speak to him on Monday and tell him the truth, that I lied to him about fulfilling his fantasy, I had to let him know that, and I was so happy that a few times after that call he did call me back (with the usual odd sex talk), but our last conversation was noon that day, he said "I'll call you back", and I haven't heard from him since. That is the only day we've spoken in over a weeks time. In the last 10 months we hadn't gone more the 24 hours without talking and now its been a week. I don't understand how a week ago Friday he claimed how much he loves me, begged me to be there with him, to now not so much as a word.

I cry every time I’m alone, words he’s said resound in my head from the good to the bad. I miss him so much. You know I’ve loved this man since I was a young girl, for 20 years and have missed him for the last 17, I don’t know any other way. I know he’s lied to me, in fact it could be that nothing he’s said to me over the past 10 months could be true, but I can’t help loving him. I’m a pathetic bum magnet. I’m just lost, but I’m trying.

Thanks for being there!
Much Love,
Corinne

Hello Corinne,
Thank you for your reply. It's a great comfort to me to know that there are other people here I can share my pain with. I'm really sorry you're having such a bad time and be sure that I know how you're feeling, I'm very close to you. It's amazing how much our situations coincide, I hit the bottom last week too and it goes without saying that things haven't improved very much since then. We're still in touch, via emails and texts and this somehow makes things even more difficult. Because he's really a good guy, he has always been good to me and this is why I feel so desperate. But on the other hand I know I'll never have him, he's too committed for that. We love each other but can't be together. Besides I'm to blame too, because I behaved in a very selfish way with him, always refusing to acknowledge his problems. I wasn't a great support. I suppose that I didn't want to waste the little time we had together talking about his family life. This morning I woke up with the unpleasant sensation that even if we were still be seeing each other, what we could share is so little compared to what he has had with his wife,the years they spent together day by day, the support they gave each other, the difficulties they went through and managed to overcome together. I don't know if you or anybody here has ever felt this way, but Corinne these are the things our MM will never be able to give us and I think that we deserve them. We are utterly alone and their life is elsewhere. At least as my MM is concerned. And this time I am determined to get out of this grip once forever.
Corinne I do really hope you feel better these days. From what I get from your posts, you are being very brave and you're not seeing him. I understand how lonely you must feel. I hope you have someone to talk to, aside from us here.
And I'll always be happy to hear from you and the other nice girls here.
So let's go on, the struggle isn't over...
Lots of love
lillybit

Hello Jamie
My mind is a bit clearer today and I realize I didn't really respond to your amazing message. I read it again today, I can't believe how much time you took out for me to clearly explain all my MM's misgivings and how wrongly he has been treating me. You are right, he does lie to me on a regular basis, his idea of wanting to watch me get f**ked is pathetic, disgusting and degrading. Have you ever seen that movie 9 1/2 weeks? He's like that guy in the movie, wants me to do things when I'm alone and video them, wants to watch me with other people, wants to tie me down and "f**k me up" (as he says). Please don't think it was always like that, two months ago it was beautiful, kind and loving. It's was about October he changed some how, something happened. It has been since then that I've felt I have been fighting for him on a daily basis, some days were good and beautiful, others were horrible. In the beginning of our conversations sex was only part of the conversation, by the end of October it was nothing but sex talk. I don't really understand why or how that happened.

He'd said so many beautiful things to me in the past, recently and even over the 17 years we didn't talk as frequently, that is what I'm missing and needing so much. You know I'm shaking right now because it's 3:30 here, the time he usually gets home and would (in months past) call me, but nothing. I'm clinging to this phone praying for it to vibrate and nothing. How pathetic am I. I'm fighting myself not to call him, I know doing that would only cause more pain. This is how my days have been. You are right, every time he talks about perverted things he wants me to do does hurt, very much, and I have wanted to tell him to f**k off, but my heart couldn’t do it. This is an emotional battering and the only reason I feel I deserve it is because of the lie, I lied to him, told him what I thought he wanted to hear and it backfired on me. I feel like I’ve completely changed who I am to him and he doesn’t like it.

I shouldn’t go on and on again, I just wanted to respond to you because I realized in all my rantings I hadn’t really told you how much I appreciate your words and advise. Believe me I take every word to heart and try to listen to it. It’s just so hard right now, I love him so much (for some reason) and I miss him desperately. Right now the pain is just so hard to handle I can’t seem to take control of it yet. I’m confused, hurt, I don’t understand what happened, why it’s ended this way.

I also want you to know I’m so happy for you and the love you have. I can understand you having some feelings of uncertainty, I live with pessimism, but your love sounds real and beautiful. Good for you, you go girl!

Much Love
Corinne

Good morning everyone,
I'm afraid I'm a weak pathetic individual. Despite all my thought waves trying to not speak to my MM, he called. The sound of his voice simply turns me to melted butter, especially when he is saying how much he wants me and needs me. He called Wednesday night and yesterday afternoon. He keeps asking what I'm waiting for, why I haven't come to him yet. Yesterday he said "you've been telling me for 8 months you were moving here, where are you, stop talking about it and do it". And yet his wife has moved back in, he says nothings changed they are just roomies, no intimacy just cohabitating together. How can I believe that, even his son is staying with his mother to give he and his wife time alone to work things out. Again in the afternoon he said I'll call you in a little while. Surprise, I'm still waiting. Why does he still tell me he needs me, loves me, wants me, why would he want me to be there only to see me what twice a month when he can get away. I don't understand why he just won't leave me alone. The loneliness is heart crushing but this yo yo is even worse. When we talk I laugh, when we hang up I start crying.

I wish I could make you all proud and see I'm moving on but I'm stuck in this miserable place, so in love with this man who dangles himself in front of me like a string to a cat, and I can't seem to let go. God I'm just so in love with him the thought of losing even the sound of his voice terrifies me. I'm a pathetic creature.

I love you all, I hope you are well.
Corinne

hello Corinne,

we all go through the yo yo stage, i am going through it. they call back because at some level they need you, but they dont love you. if they really did they would be working like hell to be with you. love is like ambition it makes you selfish, in the fact that you want to be with the other half all the time, so if it was really love, he would have come to you. so he does not love you... just start thinking that way.
in your case, as everyone else has told you just do not pick up the phone. he is not worth it, it will be difficult, it will hurt but eventually it will be for the better.
i have had e very long and difficult week, end semester and all that. still not decided on the trip, see dear i am a yo-yo too, so dont worry, just work it in your mind, get the desperation out... one day at a time, if you can take the major step then take small once. you dont call, if he does take alternate calls, then every third call etc... its all in the mind, give it up in the mind

take care
dali

hello lillybit,

i agree with what you say, about the time MM and his world... and we can also be that world, and make new memories in another setup if the make us their world... otherwise it is lonely and desparate.
i wish you a speedy recovery :-), pain is also a sickness after all, and also an addiction sometimes.
take care

dali

Hello Corinne,
yes Dali is correct, we all seem to go through this stage. Which is the most difficult and painful. I'm not exception and I'm going through it as well. In my case I'm the one who doesn't want to end it, I'm the one who sends frantic texts and emails. Until last night. Now I've definitely made up my mind, I want him to be history. He will never ever be with me and, given the situation, we won't even be friends, I don't think I can consider him a friend, not now and not for a very long time.
The sooner he's out of my life the better.
I think that you should do the same, I've read all your posts and the replies you got and I completely agree with each word Jamie told you. This man is a womanizer, he's abusing you, he's trying to trick you into something you don't want. And most of all, he doesn't even remotely love you. You have to face that, this man is just selfish, he wants to make sure he still have the power on you, that you're still there ready for him, should he decide to show up again. Do you really want to live with a man who will cheat on you all the time? Who wants you to have sex with others to fulfill his perversion? And who would deeply despise you afterwards if you agree to do that. No judgment here, sex is a playground and people are free to do what they want, provided they both agree and like these games.I know many couples who are into this. But I gather that you wouldn't be comfortable with that, you just want to please him hoping he will be back to you and love you because you did something he wanted you to do. You couldn't be more wrong. He would despise you and treat you like a slut. How can you love a man like that?? I'm sorry if I do sound so harsh, I guess I'm not the kind of person who sugarcoats things.
But I'm truly sorry to hear that you are so bad, I'm bad too and we both seem very lonely and apparently we don't have anybody to talk to. Loneliness plays a great role, but being with the wrong man can even be worse. I'm not very good at giving advice, but try to forget him, think that he's just using you but, once again, he doesn't love you. And are you sure you love him? Sometimes it sounds like you're obsessed with him.
Lots of love
lillybit

use your head, follow your head and not your heart, you are way too young to be involved with this bullshit, (you may not think so) read the other blogs. don't waste anymore time or emotions, you'll appreciate this 1,2,3 or even 5 years from now. You will not be the same person you are now in 5 years. Put yourself first!!!!

Hi Ladies,

I can see that there are so many posts to catch up on - unfortunately i still don't have my normal email access and can't read everything, there's just time for a quick note while i'm on the run. i have to tell you that things are settling down a bit for me, but once i left my mm and that town behind, i started to decompress...and i went through some painful changes. i had horrible nightmares for a while and still have bad ones every other night or so. it's hard adjusting to my new life, but i can tell you, as alone as i feel, as sad about the past, well, i just know that i'm healthier than i've been in ages. it feels good to clean up my life, even if getting rid of my MM means that there are some huge gaping holes in my heart and my life. anyway, in hindsight, and from a different continent, things do look better. corinne, i can't tell exactly how things are for you now since i don't have too much time to read, but i glanced over some of your messages and i have to tell you that i think it would be great for you to get out of your pattern. if you can break things up in your life, you might not keep running around and around in that same destructive circle you've gotten yourself caught in. we are all really concerned for you and we all KNOW that you deserve better than what you get from your MM. i wish you all could meet me in paris. i know gettin away like that would do wonders for your perspective on your situation. i decided to stay a couple of more weeks here (paris), some of my family is coming to see me because they can tell i've takn a wrong turn in life and we're going to try to mend some old wounds. i hope it works. i know i need to fix some relationships if i can, or at least improve them and maybe i won't feel so lonely anymore and maybe i won't be such an easy target for men who want to make me dependent on them. i hope things will get better for me, and if any or all of you suddenly you go crazy and want to completely cut loose, just go ahead and buy that ticket to paris and i'll be waiting for you all here! my mm expects me to call him from here, but does he ever offer to call me? no. last i heard he had emailed a female friend of mine who had betrayed both of us. he's such an ass. of course i still love him, there's some kind of bond between us that i can't get over, but i'm better now because i'm just not all that worried anymore about making sure he's happy with me. and when i wake up i the morning, the first thing i say to myself is that i don't want anything other than what i already have in life and i love myself first. i hope he's well, but i'm taking care of myself first these days. it helps a lot.
i'll try to read more posts if i can later, it's hard to get email here, but i'm really thinking of all of you often here and want to know how things are going.
i'm going to post this now and see if i can do a better job of catching up on what's been happening with all of you.
xoxo stn

Hi Emily

I know that moraly and mentaly speaking stopping is the best thing to do.. But it's just so hard en the problem is also that I don't really want it I guess. Maybe it's difficult to understand because I hardly understand it myself but the last five years of my life were rather difficult for me and now this summer I was happy, I don't want to loose that again.. and he's my best friend as well. I appreciate him as a person and as a friend also. Maybe I'm living in an illusion, that's possible.. but I hope that at the end everything will be ok and I will find some happiness in my life...

Anyway thanks for the reply!

Take care!

I know it's the hardest thing you will probably ever do...but you need to take care of you first. I'm speaking from experience, my mm left his wife and moved into my condo with me. Everything was great. We had been seeing each other for about 3 years and yes he does have kids (4) ages 7 to 18, he finally left her after I told him that we're done. We had been living together for about 1 1/2 years and I was in total bliss I thought we would get married, have kids, buy a home everything you want when you get married, but the fact is it doesn't work that way. He continued to see his kids (which meant he saw more of his ex)and after being divorced for for almost 2 years guess where he wound up.... yup back with the ex. I feel he dragged me around for almost 5 years for his convenience at his convenience, the degpression is enough to kill you, I've learned to stayed so far away from mm, they can't be honest to themselves or anyonelse. Let me know how things go and be strong.

Hey Danielle,
I'm so glad to read that you and your MM became friends again. That give me hope. I was concerned a while back when I thought you two had stopped talking forever, I was afraid the same would happen to me and my MM. I feel a lot like you do now, I feel like I'll always have a special place for my MM in my heart, but this just isn't our lifetime to be together, if you know what I mean. I feel like in this life I'm living, I have to learn to accept that I can love someone with my whole heart and still let him go. Learning this kind of acceptance has taught me to focus on what I'm glad I have, and to focus on the relationships that I can build. In a way it's been good for me, but I have to say if I think about it on low-energy days, my heart is really broken. But what are we supposed to do that we haven't already done? Anyway, we've done our best and the future will have to take care of itself. Do you ever wonder if he'll be the person you think of with your last thought, before you die? I sometimes have this morbid thought. I feel like my MM, as awful as he was in so many ways, is the person I've loved more than anyone in my entire life...i feel like he's my soul mate, even if he can't be mine in my normal life. I guess that sounds strange, oh well, this whole affair has made me strange. I'm just glad you've pulled through and found your way back to being friends with him. Does his wife know you two are friends? If I had a husband who was friends with a woman in the way I'm friends with my MM, I have to admit I'd be heartbroken. The bond is just too deep (at least the way I feel it, sometimes I'm not too sure how he feels it).
Love, STN

Hi Allison, I just wanted to say I think you're absolutely right. We had the guts to love completely. That's true. And maybe this life isn't made for the kind of love most of us have felt, but I know for sure that loving my MM, as much of a dreamworld as it was, was still the most real, deep and meaningful experience I've ever had. It's so strange that living in the dreamworld where our love existed turned out to be the most real experience of my life...I don't really get it even now, but I do see that my life will be changed forever because of it. And I'm a better person by far because of the experience. My life is more real than it's ever been because of it and it did take a lot of guts and a pure heart to love the way I love my MM. You're right, when we believed in our love, we believed in something real. Our MM are living lives built on a different kind of love, otherwise, why would they seek us out in the first place? I know a lot of people won't agree with what I just said, but I really do believe that my MM loves me in a way he'll never love his wife. His love for his wife is a practical thing, his life with her is conventional. What we have shared seems to be something that exists beyond the limits of practicality and convention, it's a bond I think I'll feel forever. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe things will change, but it's how I've felt all along through thick and thin with him. It may not get me anything concrete in the end, but loving my MM has changed me fundamentally and forever.
xoxo, stn

Hi Dali,
What did you decide about your trip? I can understand why you might want to go and why you might not want to go.... I know that I still need some time with my MM, I need to make sure things are okay between us, or I just don't feel good about myself and my situation. I'm not as desperate as I used to be, but a part of me still panics if I think we might never talk again, if I think I'll never see him again. And another part of me never wants to talk to or see him again, but that's not a part of me I like much. If we can find a way to a peaceful relationship, one without sex or too much intimacy, then I think it's a good thing. Getting there has been hard. Letting go completely was too hard and I don't want that. So I can see how stabilizing your relationship with your MM is appealing. I guess in the end, for me, it's important to keep loving my MM, but in a way that isn't destructive or unhealthy or unfair. Do you feel the same way or are you looking for something else from the trip you might take? I wonder what your MM hopes to get out of the trip. Do you think he'll try to convince you to maintain the physical side of the affair again? I hope you find what you're looking for in your relationship with him, I hope you can find that peaceful place in yourself where you know you've done the best you could and the right things in the end.
Paris is expensive. People can be so rude here. But I'm so glad to be in another context, I can see things more clearly from here. I have some space to practice forgiving myself and for learning how to live without wanting more from life than it can offer. I guess I'm lucky to have this chance. I know I'm lucky, in fact. At the end of the day, it still hurts, but there's so much to see here, so many distractions, so few reminders of him, no one here who even knows or cares about him that I'm returning bit by bit to who I used to be when he wasn't the center of my life. It feels like someone I love is dying, but it also feels like I'm getting a second chance at life. To be honest, I almost killed myself this year several times. Now that I'm living in a part of the world where he only exists in my thoughts (instead of in my life), I can see what a mistake that would have been. From now on, since he's not in my living space anymore, he's only what my thoughts and feelings make of him, nothing more, nothing less. I can choose to remember the good and let the rest go. That's what I've opted for and I think it was the right choice.
Anyway, those are just thoughts from Paris. I won't be able to use email again for a while, so I hope that when I return to it I'll find news about you and your trip. I hope you make the decision that will be best for you.
Love, STN

keep in touch, i have so much to tell you, i.e., the direction your heading for, don't lose hope but let me know

I screwed up there, anyhow keep in touch, i know what you are going thru and i think i can give you some sound advice, i'll tell you all about our situation and how it began and ended, our age diff and other stuff, please keep in touch.

em

Dear Emily

I really appreciate your reply.. However I can't promise you that I won't continue this...pathetic and without caracter I know :o( but I care for him.. I even think I never had this before...

It all may sound like a "cliché" but he seems nice to me, not a don juan type or someone who has a whole bunch of women all the time.
The hardest thing for me is that I feel so guilty in front of his wife and children but also in front of my parents who would never think I would do something like this, but on the other hand it really feels good (the feelings I mean) and I hope that it's going to be ok, because he makes me feel good, it's like finally I won't be alone anymore and I will be able to start my life... It may sound ridiculous I know..

Anyway, I'm really sorry for the things that happened to you, I'm sure it hurts a lot because I sometimes feel already hurt and it's probably nothing compared to what you made through.

Take care!!

Hi STN.

I feel like we know eachother from all the posts that I have read from your journey. I know exactly what you mean by "maybe I'm wrong"...darling you can't be wrong. The game isn't about who's right or wrong..do you feel it..the feeling of you can get through anything, don't you feel empowered! As much as the MM have put us through good or bad, they all seemed to leave us with one thing - a toughness we could never get in a normal relationship. I can't describe it..but it does this to us..

- Makes us independant, makes us want to travel, embark on new things
- View the world as it's our own
- It makes us cry like a little baby when you almost forgot how to feel

Hey I know..my relationship seems positive right now, but lately it's been a rollercoaster ride of emotional drain, not to mention the copial amounts of red wine I have been consuming..!! Anyhow what I am trying to say as much as they hurt us, they also provided a re-birth. Bet your ass there is no stronger woman out there than us!! The Other Woman...NO ....the Woman they LOVED.

Love ya STN, hang in there baby...Allison

Hi Allison,
Thank you so much. You're right, when my head is on straight and my energy is high, that's exactly how I feel. I'm a new person, or at least a better person because of this. Yes, there's a huge hole in my heart right now and yes, I do still love him, but in the long run, I'm learning how to invest myself in people who love me back and especially how to love myself because I can't count on anyone to always be there for me except myself. It's making me tough and it's making me compassionate all at the same time. Good lord is it hard, but you're right, having the power back makes me feel like I fought the hardest battle of my life and won. Thank God. And now I'm awake to life again, I was nearly dead before.
I think I used to think it wasn't about power, but that's what it was in a large part because my MM tried to control me...and it worked. He controlled my emotions and my psyche for a year before i got a handle on them again. Now he's the one sitting and waiting for a word from me and heaven knows he deserves to wait and wait and wait and wait.
I've got to run, but thanks for the words of support, they really help me.
xoxo, stn

Hi there,
I'm so glad to hear that you're somehow getting over him!I was a bit worried reading your previous post. I'm sure you're doing the right thing, whatever he's up to he's not worth your pain. Probably you're right, he's either straightening things out with his wife or replaced you with someone else. I don't know if you're still married or divorced but you have a family and I think this is important. So I wish you all the luck of the world, try to hold on and get rid of him once forever. Of course you had good times and, as you said, they will always stay with you. But now it seems that bad times have exceeded the good ones, so it's time to move on. Without regrets, he doesn't deserve you, you're too good for him.
As for me, I'm slowly recovering as well. If there were a pain chart from 100 to 0, I'd say I'm around 95. I still can't sleep if I don't get a text from him, we're still saying that we love each other but I haven't seen him anymore.As you pointed out, habits are hard to break, it takes time and it's still too early. A few hours ago I switched on my old mobile, and there were still his texts and reading all those passionate words made me cry, I admit that. I deleted them, I'm trying to delete all the things that hurt me. Or to prevent them from popping up into my mind.
Anyway please let us know how you're doing... it's not easy and you will go through bad times again. But little by little I'm sure we'll both be able to pull ourselves together.
A big hug
lillybit

It is nearly 3:30 here, the time in months past he would call or anxiously awaited me calling him (as it was in the beginning). I know it's going to hurt as the time passes and he doesn't call, but I know he won't. I'm trying, very hard, to repeat to myself, don't call him, leave it alone, it's done, he doesn't want to talk to me.

It hurts so much to know he doesn't want me anymore, but that is so obvious to me now the way he hasn't been calling even a quarter of the amount of the time he used to. He wouldn't have talked to me yesterday if I hadn't called to make sure he got my package. Yeah he said he loved the pictures and repeated many times he wants more, said that I'm "perfect", but he's a bullshitter. It hurts to know he doesn't love me, that he never did. I just don't understand why he strung me along like that. To think I told him about our daughter, he doesn't deserve to know about such a beautiful thing. I waited 17 years to tell him about her, waited for the right time which seemed to be now after all the wonderful things he said to me and how he wanted us to be toghther. It hurts to know he doesn't even care about that. How can someone be so miserable to another human being. I'm heart broken but I know it's going to be a bumpy path. I just have to keep reminding myself it's over, don't call, let it go. If only it were 5:00 then this hour would be done, this really hurts.

I'm trying!
Love you all!
Corinne