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This page abstract: Understanding female orgasm gives a more satisfying love life. Sex is a mutual activity where both partners should be satisfied.

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Female Orgasm: How to Give a Woman an Orgasm

Intelligent natural language question-answering in the area of psychology and psychiatry. Ask a simple question  Local help Info

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Question(s):
Written by: Jacob Palme, university professor, Stockholm university
First version: 22 Jul 2008. Latest revision: 05 Jan 2014.
My girlfriend usually does not get an orgasm when we have sex. What am I doing wrong? How should I do to give a woman an orgasm? Tell me more about female orgasm.

Answer:

Female orgasm not the same as male orgasm

For most men, sex ends with an orgasm. This is very important for most men. And after the orgasm, most men are satisfied and not willing to participate in active sex any more for some time. All this is different for women.

  • All women do not always have an orgasm. Some women have an orgasm most of the time, some only sometimes, some never. In one typical report:
    • 15 % of the women had orgasm every time they had sexual intercorse,
    • 48 % most of the time,
    • 19 % sometimes,
    • 11 % occasionaly,
    • 7 % never.
  • For many women, sex can be satisfying even without an orgasm. They value the closeness, intimacy, cuddling, more than the orgasm. In a report asking women why they enjoyed sex, their most common answer was emotional intimacy, and the most pleasurable event during sex for women was penetration, not orgasm.
  • A woman can continue to enjoy active sex after an orgasm. Some women can have more than one orgasm in succession.

These differences mean that men often have the wrong expectations from a woman. Sometimes, it is the man, not the woman, who wants her to have an orgasm. Men also have incorrect expectations because of porn movies. In porn movies, the women cry and moan, so men believe that a woman is more satisfied if she cries and moans. In reality, a woman gets more silent and withdrawn when getting closer to, or having, an orgasm. It is not uncommon that women fake orgasm, cry and moan because that is what the man expects them to do. Of course, sex will be more satisfying if men understand women better.

The complexity of sexual relations is shown by the fact that orgasm is not only enjoyed by the person having orgasm. The orgasm of the man is important to the woman, and reversely the orgasm of the woman is felt as important for many men, maybe too important.

Below is some discussion about how to help a woman get an orgasm. Important to note is that obtaining an orgasm may not be what is most important for her. Maybe other things are more important. Do not feel forced to obtain orgasm for the woman, unless this is her own wish.

Below are some items on how to help a woman get an orgasm. Always note, however, that getting a woman to enjoy sex is not the same thing as getting her to have an orgasm, since women can enjoy other things with sex more than the orgasm. Thus, if a man wants his woman to be happy, it may be more important to provide closeness and love rather than orgasm. Most women are not satisfied if the man enters them too early, but that is not because of lack of orgasm but because of lack of love and intimacy.

Psychological setting for making love

Firstly, and this is very important, most women need the right psychological setting to get an orgasm. This article describes this in more detail.

Does she know how to get an orgasm at all?

The first question you always ask is whether she is able to get an orgasm at all, for example by masturbation. If the answer to this question is no, she must first learn how to get an orgasm. If the answer is yes, you can investigate how to get an orgasm when making love.

Timing of male and female orgasm

Women enjoy sex also after an orgasm, while most men do not want to continue making love after their orgasm. Because of this, it is better if the woman gets her orgasm before the man.

Clitoris and g-point

Women get an orgasm by proper stimulation of the clitoris, a small lap of skin just over the vagina. The clitoris can be stimulated by hand, using lubricating gel, by the woman herself or her partner. It can also be stimulated by mouth. If the clitoris is stimulated by her partner, this is usually done before the vaginal intercourse. Note that during normal vaginal sexual intercourse, the nerve endings in the man's penis are stimulated, but not the nerve endings in the womans clitoris. Only 30 % of all women get an orgasm through vaginal sexual intercourse according to Shere Hite! More.

There is also a place inside the vagina, which can be stimulated to give an orgasm. This point is named the g-point. It is, however, difficult to find this point and stimulate it in the right way. Women who succeed in getting orgasm this way usually use the intercourse position with the woman on top of the man. The reason for this is that this position gives the woman the largest options to control the movements so as to stimulate the g-point.

Some women have a problem in that stimulating the g-point causes a strong need to urinate.

Sometimes, couples start with foreplay and manual or oral stimulation, then switch to intercourse with the woman on top until the woman gets her orgasm, then switch to the man on top until the man gets an orgasm. But this is something each couple will have to try out what they prefer.

Techniques of stimulating clitoris to orgasm

After foreplay by kissing and fondling (may have to continue for up to 20 minutes) the partner or the person herself stimulates the clitoris (the area below the labia or genital lips, and above the vagina opening) by rapidly flicking a finger or the tongue back and forward or up and down. Do not press hard. If you are using a finger, be sure to use lots of lubricating gel (can be bought at a drug store). If you are using the tongue, lubricating gel is usually not necessary, since lubrication comes from the mouth. Ask her to concentracte on sexy thoughts at the same time.

Who is responsible for the female orgasm, him or her?

The first step in learning to get an orgasm is that the woman learns to get an orgasm by masturbation. She can then teach her male partner how to do, and knows when it feels right and wrong. Listen to her, ask her what feels good and not good, try out the best technique together with her. So certainly she is responsible for telling her partner how to make her satisfied.

It is quite common that women masturbate themselves during intercourse, in order to get an orgasm.

Some feminists reject the idea that men "give" women an orgasm. They claim that equality requires that each is responsible for their own orgasm. Other people see love making as a mutual activity of giving and taking.

Fantasies

Some women need to concentrate on erotic fantasies to get an orgasm. The fantasies which work for some women can be weird and contain actions they would never do in real life. Thinking "maybe I cannot get an orgasm" may destroy the ability to get an orgasm.

Is orgasm necessary for a woman

And remember, always first clarify what the woman wants. Many women enjoy sex even without an orgasm, and do not think that orgasm is necessary to be satisfied. Other women, however, are not satisfied unless they get an orgasm.

Sex should be an occasion of mutual joy and pleasure, not an occasion of incorrect expectations, forced striving for an orgasm at all cost. Sex is usually more satisfactory for both if they do not think so much about attaining orgasm, but instead think of love and mutual pleasure.

Disclaimer: The documents contained in this web site are presented for information purposes only. The material is in no way intended to replace professional medical care or attention by a qualified psychiatrist or psychotherapist. It can not and should not be used as a basis for diagnosis or choice of treatment. If you find anything wrong, please notify us at .
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